(Written in December 2008)
Got up at 6 feeling very bleak. Trying to bring compassion to wretched Bella — I was angry at her for not letting me sleep — and to my miserable self — I turned to the Jesus prayer. Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me. I also prayed for Bella — Deva of the Tibetan Terriers have mercy on Bella — and gradually it began to soften. Then I thought about something I read yesterday and was grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and wasn’t trying to sleep under a bridge or dying in pain in a VA hospital. So then I was aware of the traumatized baby, and the homeless one, and the dying soldier, and I was able to hold us all in love. I thought how we are all going back to the Great Love that called us into being. I felt quite warm, sitting here holding the baby and sending out love. I also called on Jesus and he came right away. I was worried about taking up his time and he laughed and said he could be with many people at once. He was very affectionate and warm and said he loved me: my creative outrageous parts and my shut down parts. He said he was always with me, even when I was cold and stony and couldn’t feel his presence. That was all very comforting.
Moon going down — one of today’s little joys — and sun on Garnet Hill. Thank you.
I told Lynelle about the retreat last night. She thought I had done some good work and understood how hard it was. I talked about the coldness of Buddhism — the spaciousness and emptiness and no warmth, no loving god — she said that’s how a baby feels when mom is gone. Right. It all goes back to that.
I told Kayla that the retreat had been hard work, that I didn’t have enough support in my life. She suggested I might want to think about having someone come live with me — room & board in exchange for housework & cooking. It’s actually a good idea — I think of Elizabeth Goudge and Jessie Munro — but I’m daunted by the task of trying to find someone.