I think I must be in a pretty bad state of self-rejection. I’m angry at myself for being depressed again after the good session with Caryn. I’m angry at myself for not being able to use the success of the project — everyone had fun — to combat my sense of helpless failure. I’m angry at myself for not being able to think of something to do to bring me out of it. I’m angry at myself for just sitting here on the couch, hardly able to move. I just want to lie down and die. I wish I had someone to talk to who cares about me. That thought brings tears. May 2009
Lynelle was very helpful. She reminded me that Caryn (my trauma therapist) leaving would be very hard for me because we have been doing such deep work. She also reminded me that growing up in a family that forced me to be an adult, to act like an adult when I didn’t have the resources to be an adult, left me with the expectation that I can and should be able to do more than I can do. I have no realistic sense of my limits. This past year I have been forced to see how limited I am and how fragile, and how much support I need. But I continue to carry this expectation that I can do more than I can, and disappointment and anger at myself when I can’t do it. No wonder I’m depressed. Lynelle also said that with Caryn gone I need to treat myself with great gentleness. Being witnessed and understood and crying a lot helped enormously. My heart eased and I was able to feel fairly normal as I went on through the day.
In the evening I felt very lost again. I can’t do a lot of things I’d like to be able to do because of my unhealed wounds, and I’m working as hard as I can to heal them. But it’s hard long painstaking work, that leaves me exhausted, and that depends on having a skilled guide, I can’t do it by myself. And just surviving from day to day takes all the energy I’ve got. I do have some support, but could use a lot more. Trying to do this work is against the flow of the culture, there’s no help or understanding or validation out there. Most people really don’t know what I’m up against. June 2009