(Written in January 2006)
Saw Deborah St. Cyr for acupuncture yesterday. Told her about the feeling in my chest, and that if I said to myself “It’s a traumatized baby” then everything softened and it was easier to be with the fear. When she started putting needles in, she said something about “strengthening the container.” That reminded me of Beth’s sculpture and the one I had wanted to make and how I had seen that the heart was shielded because it needed to heal, and then the heart needed to connect with the baby, not turn outward again. Then it came to me — the baby is in the heart! That’s why the heart is all grey like the baby was. That was very exciting — it’s not the grey of stuckness, degeneration and death, it’s the grey of a frozen traumatized baby. Even writing it down I can feel the shift — from being angry at myself for waking scared again to compassion for the terrified frozen baby, and willingness to stay with it as long as it takes.
And if it takes the rest of my life, I’m willing to do that. It’s amazing that I care so much about this baby, who is me, as though the baby were the earth, or all the babies traumatized by war, and not Jenny who I’ve never thought was worth that much focus and effort. But the baby doesn’t seem like “me”, more like the task I’ve been given and I’m willing to take it on. My work to heal this traumatized fragment of the universe is meaningful. And I think one thing that’s helped this shift is Sharon Salzberg quoting the Buddha as saying there’s no one more worthy of your love in the whole universe than yourself.
Something has shifted because I don’t care if I ever “get back to zero” or “have a life”. I’m willing to go on like this forever (or at least today I am) waking sad and scared, doing my art, walking the dog, going to therapy, meditating, teaching circle dance. Just as it is, it’s enough. That thought doesn’t make me feel glad, I’m still sad, but it’s OK. It’s a worthwhile task and I’m willing to do it.
Did some good Somatic Experiencing work with Peter. I told him most of what’s been going on. When I described the shielded heart he had me open & close my hands slowly, and I got all warm & soft inside. It felt wonderful — I said with surprise “There’s so much love inside.” There was a sense of strength in my legs and back, making a container for the soft heart.