More About “Story”

What’s the difference between a story that helps you move on in your life, and one that’s just digging you deeper into the hole? Often a story that blames someone else for your difficulties is one that keeps you stuck. I had a friend who used to go on and on about some people who had moved into her community. She would talk about how awful they were and how afraid she was that they would change the neighborhood, but she just kept kept saying the same things over and over. I got very tired of listening, but didn’t know how to stop her. I also made encouraging noises, hoping she would feel heard and stop, but she just went on & on. I realize now that I could have used Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication. I could have said “I’m uncomfortable listening to this. Would you be willing to tell me how you’re feeling as you tell me this story?” Sometimes telling that kind of story is just an excuse for not doing your own inner work. You aren’t going to be able to change someone else, so it’s important to find a way of taking care of yourself that allows whatever they said or did to just become a fact in your history but not a determinant of your narrative.
The quality of the listening can make a difference. If you are telling the story to someone you know cares about you, and won’t judge you, there can be great relief in the telling, and sometimes you even see new facets of the story and new places you might go. If you are telling your story to someone who has an agenda for you, or someone you know (or just think) is judging you, then the story gains a whiny or intense edge that has you trying to prove something or justify something, and you are caught in the “judgment loop.”
As the oldest child in an alcoholic family I have a tendency to “try to fix it” when someone’s having trouble. This usually doesn’t work, and I was lucky to have an early experience of how compassionate listening works. My friend Beverly was telling me about some difficulty she was having, and I thought I knew what she should do, or maybe I had an analysis to tell her, but instead I kept quiet. Beverly talked her way through the difficulty, which turned out to be something completely different from what I thought was going on. She knew EXACTLY where she needed to go – or found it out in the talking. Unfortunately, that experience as well as early participation in “Co-counseling”, where the listener just listens without offering anything, made me go too far the other way. I have a tendency to listen uncritically, which is fine, but I need to pay attention to my body and speak up when I feel uncomfortable.