On May 14, I posted a writing about my struggle to love myself. It was written in June 2004:
I need space and time and permission — more than permission, I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, the divinely commanded thing to do, what’s in alignment with Universal Purpose — It’s amazing how deeply I feel inside myself that it’s morally wrong for me to pay that much attention to myself.
I addressed the issue again in December 2005
I’ve been trying to imagine what would make me feel better about having no energy, and having to spend so much effort just in taking care of myself. I imagined the Bodhisattva, Kuan Yin herself, walking in the door and sitting on the couch next to me, and speaking the words I need to hear:
“My dear child, you have been working so hard. You are exhausted and drained from your effort not to be dragged down by the huge weight of depression. You have done well — magnificently! — and your efforts have been of help to all who struggle in darkness. The only part of the work that you have not been able to do is to take better care of this cherished child, who has worked so hard for the benefit of all. It is time now to relax your efforts on behalf of others. You have set things in motion, like Neskaya and Journey into Courage, that continue to do good in the world without your making further effort. Now you must take care of Jenny as best you can. Know that we love you and support you in doing this. Know that your effort to be kind and compassionate to Jenny, to nurture her and allow her to rest, is not different from your work on behalf of all sentient beings. Let your tired, wounded heart rest in the Ocean of Compassion.”
I went to a retreat with Jack Kornfield, in January 2007: he did a guided meditation on going to a very painful event in your life and imagine how it would have been different if a spiritual being had come and changed places with you so you could see how they would handle the situation.
I went to my most painful place: I went to myself in the yurt wanting to die after reading the letter from R. The being who came to the door was Kuan Yin, and I didn’t feel any different when she inhabited my body, but when I wasn’t paying attention she started building a wall. The gift she gave me was a sword and shield and she said: “Never be afraid to stand up for yourself, never be afraid to protect yourself.”
I was astounded. The Bodhisattva of COMPASSION giving me a WEAPON?
Not until I read Byron Brown on defending your soul against the Judge did I understand. It makes me think of the poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins that ends “what I do is me for this I came.”