I started reading Stephen Cope’s book “The Great Work of Your Life” which is about vocation. I had only read a little way into it, when it became abundantly clear that my vocation is the work I am doing with Erica. Cope talks about people having one vocation and burning out, and finding another vocation. I had felt pretty solidly, except when depressed, that Neskaya was my vocation, but I’ve begun to feel lately, actually since my breakdown in 2008, that Neskaya was going on without me, that I was no longer critical to its functioning. Last Sunday, while Kayla was teaching the program, I felt a sense of abdication, of really handing it over.
After seeing that my vocation is my work with Erica, I also saw that the blog was part of my vocation: I love doing it, I get a lot of satisfaction out of putting it out there, and most of the time I don’t really care if anyone reads it. Certainly I don’t even entertain fantasies of becoming famous. Instead I trust that the people who are meant to read it will find it.
Earlier thoughts on vocation:
From January 19, 2014
We went in and made cups of tea. Barbara read a piece from the Sufis about single-mindedness. I said I wasn’t interested in enlightenment, I wanted to live my life as well as possible and help heal the earth. I was thinking that my vocation was not found by knowing what I wanted and going for it single-mindedly. Looking back I see I was clearly guided. At least I recognized the pieces when I met them. I told Barbara about the trip with Bettie and my epiphany at Knocknarae. Then perhaps about Brunswick & dream class & starting to write the book, and Charles bringing me to Franconia. The connection with folk dance and then sacred circle dance. She was really interested, so it was fun telling her. I told her about California and smashing David’s windows, and going to the Health Center. She thought my life was really interesting which is kind of fun for me.
After I got home I called Eve & told her the same bit — looking at my life as though god had designed it. — and to my utter surprise, I woke up this morning feeling great. Will it last?
Tuesday, January 21
When I got to Karen I told her I was doing really well. I told her about looking at my life as though God had designed it. She said this time of feeling good was different, felt different to her. She said I wasn’t immediately wanting to rush out and do things. In the past I would do that and then exhaust myself. She heard me being patient instead of pushy, willing to wait for the right moment, the right task, the right dog. I had been wondering about the painful times. While talking to Karen I remembered the truth that without PTSD and depression, I might have gone on the standard career track, become a science teacher someplace. I’ve learned a lot about compassion from being depressed, and it’s also forced me to see that taking care of myself is primary.
Later I realized that, unlike other times when I have “finally got somewhere,” this time I’ve seen that I’ve been in God’s hands all along. That Spirit has been guiding my life from the beginning. This reminds me of another meaning of “epiphany” —— it’s when something that has been there all along suddenly becomes visible. Instead of rushing out to make things happen, I’m willing to wait until the “next thing” comes along. Gosh what a relief! I don’t have to “figure out” what my vocation is, all I have to do is look at my life. I’ve handed my life over to God many times, and asked to be given a sign, and was disappointed when nothing happened. I was even disappointed when God said “You’re doing fine,” I wanted to be given a task, something big that would be visible in the world… Well, you silly person, isn’t Neskaya big enough for you?