The “Committee”

(Written in November 2008)

Exploring my mix of feelings at my friend for not joining us in dancing to celebrate Obama’s victory, I was able to see that many parts of me are there.  (What Kevin calls “the whole committee.”) Not just Jenny the co-dependent who can’t celebrate because someone important to her is upset, but also Jenny who creates celebrations, and Jenny who misses her friend and wishes she could be part of it, and Jenny who’s angry at her friend for not being able to “get past it.” And also Jenny who is supposed to make it OK for her friend, not because she is wiser or more spiritual, but because if she doesn’t she’s bad-worthless-and-rotten-and-should-be-dead.  Well, at first I thought I was spending too much time on something trivial, but now I see that any detail can provide grist for the mill, a place of opening, and I’ve just done a good piece of work.  I can feel them all here.  And the job is not to get the more adult and spiritual ones to win out, or for the wounded and co-dependent ones to see the error of their ways, but just to hold them all in compassion.  O my, I’m feeling a huge surge of love for this little group of Jennys, god bless them.

I’m feeling an amazing amount of love for myself.  This is different from back in July when I was feeling good about myself and my life, about how hard I had fought and had finally arrived at a good life.  What I’m feeling now is a lot of warmth and compassion for this person who suffers so much, and struggles so hard, and has no idea of her limitations, and tries to do good, and makes stupid mistakes.

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