(Written in July 2009)
\n\tThe session with Caryn really helped a lot. We made a map of my life in which sadness had a part but was not the whole thing. It clarified and filled out the sense I had with Karen of being in a neutral place, where it was OK to do nothing, and looking at all the things I might do, but didn\u2019t have to do. There was: the Jizo statue and shrine, the celebration of my life, the Forest Path, Dancing and Decorating Neskaya, allowing positive feedback to reach me, the energy of healthy anger, creating deeper connections with community, and NVC. There was also a place for sadness and grief work, and a place for resting. Caryn said I might have to rest for months to recover from pushing myself unmercifully for most of my life.
\n\tI told her about the Board meeting and how wonderful it was to hear what Neskaya meant to all those people. I said I had hoped it would be a resource, meaning that when I thought about it I would feel that complete warming and relaxing that I used to get when bringing to mind Mama Greene or the Ocean of Compassion. Caryn said what do you feel in your body as you tell me? I noticed that I was sitting straighter and feeling more solid. She reminded me that it\u2019s OK to build the resource incrementally. Ah yes. And when I imagined the excitement and energy of the board and tried to take it in I could feel the familiar conflict. \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great!\u201d Caryn reminded me to use venetian blinds. Then I could take in a little, and could feel warmth in the middle of me. Sometimes, when I was discharging, my hands would make gestures. One time it reminded me of pushing along the rope of misery. Another time it was anger and I shook my fist at the ceiling and said \u201cLook what you did to my life! Look how you crippled me! I hope you\u2019re ashamed.\u201d When I was talking about being able to do grief work with certain people, Caryn reframed it as \u201cfinding people you can be real with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tI worked on pottery for the map \u2014 I\u2019ve started a bulb but I don\u2019t think it\u2019s going to work, I\u2019ll have to try something different. The bulb is because, in the map of my life, the resting piece carries the reminder of how the bulb gathers energy most of the year, and then produces one spectacular flower at the right time. I already have the “Tough Little Drip” and I also want to do a figure in the “Fold” which is what Caryn calls the Child Pose, a pose of self-nurturing. (Written in July 2009) The session with Caryn really helped a lot. We made a map of my life in which sadness had a part but was not the whole thing. It clarified and filled out the sense I had … Continue reading
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