I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been feeling so miserable. \u00a0In fact I really lost it at one time, so now I’m in the health center instead of independent living. \u00a0At least I’m not alone so much. \u00a0I eat all of my meals at a table with other people. \u00a0I leave my door open and hear people going up & down the corridor and talk, so I really know I’m not alone. \u00a0But I feel totally worthless and uninteresting. \u00a0Today I had Thanksgiving dinner with four people I like very much. \u00a0They had interesting conversations, but I had nothing interesting to say. All I could have talked about was how miserable I’m feeling, how useless and worthless I am. \u00a0Doing nothing worthwhile for other people or for the world, just thinking about myself.<\/p>\n
Actually I don’t think about myself. \u00a0I usually have a song in my mind, sometimes one I like, sometimes one I don’t like. \u00a0I try to stop the song and just pay attention to my breath. I think if I can focus on my breath that \u2014 what? \u00a0Why do I think it would be good to pay attention to my breath? \u00a0It reminds me of when I was first at the Zen Center in Rochester, trying to meditate correctly so I could feel better. \u00a0I had no idea that I was living with severe depression that was caused by very early trauma.<\/p>\n
Now I have to deal with my possessions, because I’m supposed to move to an apartment that’s on the floor below this one. \u00a0It’s pretty easy to know what I want to keep and what I feel free to get rid of. \u00a0The hard part is figuring out what to do with what I don’t want. That’s where my energy is going at the moment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been feeling so miserable. \u00a0In fact I really lost it at one time, so now I’m in the health center instead of independent living. \u00a0At least I’m not alone so much. \u00a0I … Continue reading