Originally posted in June 2015<\/p>\n
Pain.\u00a0 \u201cWhat you feel you can heal\u201d<\/p>\n
The session with Erica was filled with so much pain.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever felt so much except maybe long ago when I splashed pain all over my journals.\u00a0 Writhed with it, ran away from it.\u00a0 Running through the streets of Athens at night, crying out \u201cThanatos!\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 the word means \u201cDeath\u201d in Greek \u2014 did I really do that?<\/p>\n
I was only able to let myself feel the pain because Erica was there.\u00a0 It came in a hard hard painful squeezing and then relaxed.\u00a0 I would sigh and sometimes yawn, and then it would hit again.\u00a0 The yawns comforted me because they indicated that something was being released.\u00a0 Erica said the pain was coming in waves.\u00a0 I saw that I had experienced it in waves, but was still afraid (am still afraid) that it could last forever.\u00a0 I see now that \u201cforever\u201d is what the baby experiences.\u00a0 O I want to scoop her up and help her bear the pain.\u00a0 I guess in a way that\u2019s what I\u2019m doing when I allow myself to feel the pain.<\/p>\n
Finally I relaxed into what felt like a nothing place.\u00a0 Erica asked what that felt like.\u00a0 I said my lower half felt very heavy, butt and legs filled with BB shot, then butt and legs like a Henry Moore sculpture, massive, cast metal.\u00a0 The top part of me felt collapsed on top of the heaviness and also held down by it.\u00a0 Erica asked what was the wisdom of the heaviness, what did it have to say to me?\u00a0 That was hard, searching and searching to find the feeling and give it words.\u00a0 Finally I got \u201cto hold you in one place\u201d but I knew there was more.\u00a0 Why did I have to stay in one place?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to, I\u2019d do anything to get out of here \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c\u2026until you learn to\u2026\u201d\u00a0 What? what! \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c\u2026rest.\u201d\u00a0 Gosh, what irony.\u00a0 I\u2019m so tired, I desperately need to rest, and yet I\u2019m experiencing this being held as being trapped and fighting against it.<\/p>\n
I can only remember experiencing pain like this during the David episode<\/a>, and I splashed it out of me, smashing his windows, writing crazily, turning myself in to the Health Center where they filled me with tranquilizers.<\/p>\n Rest.\u00a0 If I could truly rest.\u00a0 I\u2019m so exhausted.\u00a0 I can sit still, often do, just staring, but it\u2019s not rest, it\u2019s more like lack of motivation to move.<\/p>\n Erica said \u201cI\u2019m so grateful to you for being willing to experience this pain.\u201d\u00a0 I asked why.\u00a0 She said that it helped everybody else wake up more.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s the same as my idea that I\u2019m healing the human energy field.\u00a0 If that were true, then I would know that my life hasn\u2019t been wasted.\u00a0 Some days I believe it, some days I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n This pain I\u2019ve been experiencing tells me that the wound is very deep and very old.\u00a0 I see that it\u2019s going to take a lot of hard work.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll even finish it before I die, if I\u2019ll ever have a \u201creal life\u201d except for moments like the two days of feeling \u201cextraordinary.\u201d\u00a0 I told Erica something I told Kevin long ago, that I wanted to get as close to healing as I could, so that the next person who incarnates out of this energy will not find it such tough going.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Originally posted in June 2015 Pain.\u00a0 \u201cWhat you feel you can heal\u201d The session with Erica was filled with so much pain.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever felt so much except maybe long ago when I splashed pain all over … Continue reading