From my journal for September 29, 1997<\/p>\n
So how has my writing changed?\u00a0 <\/span>Being \u201cliterary\u201d is no longer top priority.\u00a0 <\/span>I no longer find myself thinking \u201cThis is one of the great journals of the world,\u201d no longer fantasize someone \u201cdiscovering\u201d me.\u00a0 <\/span>I no longer write for a \u201creader,\u201d except for myself in the future, I no longer write to justify my life.\u00a0 <\/span>And because I\u2019m not in constant pain from depression or anxiety, I don\u2019t feel pressure to write to try and \u201cfix\u201d it.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, I see that a lot of my writing in the past was an attempt to assuage or manage anxiety, and the root of the anxiety was (a) physiological, combined with or enhanced by (b) the belief that I\u2019m not worth anything just as I am, and that I \u201cdo everything wrong.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I find this very interesting. I’m not sure what I mean by “the root of the anxiety was physiological,” since I don’t yet know that the root of the anxiety is PTSD. Perhaps I just thought that I had a dysfunctional physiology. I also seem to think that I “no longer” believe that I’m worthless, and it’s going to take many years to change that belief. I also seem to find the anxiety more important than the depression. I still haven’t found out what it’s like to not be depressed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for September 29, 1997 So how has my writing changed?\u00a0 Being \u201cliterary\u201d is no longer top priority.\u00a0 I no longer find myself thinking \u201cThis is one of the great journals of the world,\u201d no longer fantasize someone … Continue reading