(Written in May 2009)
\n\tThe session with Caryn started with me feeling my butt as very solid and heavy. I need the safety of this corner and Caryn\u2019s physical presence to feel it so deeply. As I stayed with it I could feel the heaviness climbing up into my thighs and lower torso and I had an image of heavy dark flakes settling down into the bottom of some container. Staying with the image, I could feel the heaviness begin in my hands & feet too (they were down & close together). There was lots of subtle discharge as I stayed with the dark heaviness in my butt. Sometimes a little voice would pop up & complain \u201cThis takes too long, I want to get through it fast.\u201d I made a gesture with my arms. Caryn said \u201cIs that what your body wants to do?\u201d I checked, and that was my head. My body pushed back against the corner and straightened up a little. Then it became more comfortable to be with the discharge and with the resource. Caryn liked how I gave voice to those impulses. When I was really solidly with the heaviness in my butt, I began to feel like the top of a carrot, a big fat root that went deep into the earth.
\n\tThen I told her the story of losing it after the Maypole. She slowed me down \u2014 when did you first realize it wasn\u2019t working for you? Well, not that morning (tho I was depressed) but I was wanting to celebrate this ancient festival. I think the first moment was when I was trying to help the little girls put on their flower wreaths. Last year there had been adults helping, this year I was alone. Caryn suggested I could have asked for help. So I asked for help \u2014 but from that frantic place \u2014 eyes wide open, hands splayed, back arched. She asked me to go back to the resource and then ask. Ah yes, much more grounded and solid, my voice sounding like I have the right to ask.
\n\tIn the session before I had said \u201cI want my life back.\u201d Caryn asked if I really wanted it back the way it was. No, I would also want to have this more accurate perception of my limits, and the ability to ask for help. What I wanted back was the sense of confidence I had a year ago, the sense that life was meaningful and that I had something of value to offer.
\n\tI told her about my difficulty saying \u201cNo\u201d to someone. Caryn stopped me & had me feel in my body what it\u2019s like to be the one who feels she can\u2019t renege on something she said she\u2019d do. I nearly fell apart over that, that belief is so deep, part of my identity, my integrity.
\n\tI told her how I had stood up to another friend when she said \u201cMaybe you should do it so you can see that you can do it…\u201d and I said \u201cI know I can do it, but right now I don\u2019t have the energy. It takes everything I\u2019ve got just to survive. I don\u2019t have enough help.\u201d So I had actually made a huge transition from failing to see my limits on Friday to standing up for them on Sunday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in May 2009) The session with Caryn started with me feeling my butt as very solid and heavy. I need the safety of this corner and Caryn\u2019s physical presence to feel it so deeply. As I stayed with it … Continue reading