From my journal for Sunday, September 8<\/p>\n
The CAC [Center for Action and Contemplation<\/a>] today was on forgiveness.\u00a0 <\/span>I realize I have to forgive D\u2014\u2014 \u00a0 \u2014 I\u2019m not even sure for what \u2014 for not valuing me?\u00a0 <\/span>If that\u2019s what she did?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not even sure what made me back off from her.\u00a0 <\/span>But I don\u2019t like the idea of forgiving her.\u00a0 <\/span>Now why?\u00a0 <\/span>Because I want her to know how hurt I am by her behavior toward me?\u00a0 <\/span>What a\u00a0<\/span>tangle.<\/p>\n
What am I feeling?\u00a0 <\/span>Hurt and rejected.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m alone too much and it triggers discomfort to which I can\u2019t give a name.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been feeling it all morning.\u00a0 <\/span>There is no one who cares about me.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s not true: my therapist Erica cares, and my friend Elizabeth cares.\u00a0 <\/span>Daisy & Sandy & folks from Neskaya care about me.<\/p>\n
The song in my head is Summer in the City.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish it weren\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish it was easy to have my mind blank.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s confusing too, why would these songs, that I don\u2019t really like, keep repeating in my mind?<\/p>\n
Thinking about forgiveness, I remind myself that God forgives me for all the stupid things I do.<\/p>\n
Mocha has disappeared.\u00a0 <\/span>I gave her the last bite of toast, and she ate it and left.\u00a0 <\/span>Rejected by my dog.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Being alone too much triggers the early trauma of being left alone as a baby. I don’t feel terrified, but I wonder if the nameless discomfort is frozen terror, which is the default if neither fighting nor fleeing is possible. This is what I would have felt as a baby.<\/p>\n
It occurred to me that one possible reason why I feel so negative and confused is it might be a part feeling negative. A young part of me that more easily feels rejected by people, not my adult self at all.<\/p>\n
I find that if I focus on my breath, and on whatever I’m doing in the moment, I can manage to stay focussed and get away from whatever song is repeating in my head.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Sunday, September 8 The CAC [Center for Action and Contemplation] today was on forgiveness.\u00a0 I realize I have to forgive D\u2014\u2014 \u00a0 \u2014 I\u2019m not even sure for what \u2014 for not valuing me?\u00a0 If that\u2019s … Continue reading