From my journal for January 1, 1997<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t trust my perceptions right now because I\u2019m sick and everything looks bleak to me.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m reading my way through Elizabeth Goudge<\/a> \u2014 I find even her books difficult which is an indicator of the miserable state I\u2019m in, that I can find no comfort anywhere.\u00a0 <\/span>I found myself being jealous of characters that have faith in God, characters that have the fortitude to get through bad times \u2014 and I realize that I\u2019m feeling a lot of bitterness and self-pity.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThey have faith and fortitude because they weren\u2019t abused by their parents.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019d really like to let go of that \u2014 I don\u2019t want to blame mom & dad for my lack of courage, for my failures and despair, for my inability to perceive God.\u00a0<\/span>Actually, I see that when I do that, I make it hopeless \u2014 they did that to me and now I can\u2019t … \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 but I can<\/span> practice compassion, I can try to live with dignity and fortitude, I can try to set my emotions aside and focus my attention on god, I can try to live in the present moment.\u00a0 <\/span>They did damage me, yes, and that makes it hard to do theses things, but it doesn\u2019t make it impossible.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of my angry rejoinder about the Journey-women, it wasn\u2019t the abuse that made us compassionate, it was what we chose to do with the abuse.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
My “angry rejoinder” was after a performance of Journey Into Courage<\/a>, when we took questions from the audience. \u00a0Someone said we had learned compassion from the abuse, and I said that was not true, that abuse generally makes someone abusive. \u00a0I said we had chosen to be compassionate.<\/p>\n
Here I can see my own good struggle, knowing I was wounded, but fighting to heal as much as possible. At that time, I didn’t know I was also up against having been traumatized before the age of three which is when the brain finishes maturing. If you are traumatized before then, it means your brain matures under the influence of trauma.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for January 1, 1997 I can\u2019t trust my perceptions right now because I\u2019m sick and everything looks bleak to me.\u00a0 I\u2019m reading my way through Elizabeth Goudge \u2014 I find even her books difficult which is an … Continue reading