From my journal for September 23, 1996. I find it fascinating that I start to do so much better. I think the work about Mother helped. I suspect that it’s also because, or maybe even mainly because I’ve been taking a tranquilizer, Ativan, since some time in August. \u00a0I don’t say anything about it in my journal<\/p>\n
In the session with Karen I just cried at first.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I found myself telling off Mother. I did a drawing of a bland woman and made balloons saying: You\u2019re selfish, you\u2019re demanding, you don\u2019t care, don\u2019t think you\u2019re so great<\/a>, …\u00a0 <\/span>Then I translated them into what she was really saying.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re selfish\u201d meant I wouldn\u2019t do what she wanted me to.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re demanding\u201d meant I had normal legitimate child\u2019s needs that she didn\u2019t want to fulfill.\u00a0 <\/span>\u2018You don\u2019t care\u201d meant I didn\u2019t care about her because I didn\u2019t care about the things she cared about, and also that I didn\u2019t worship her which was what she wanted.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great\u201d meant that she was jealous of my creativity and my intelligence. …\u00a0 <\/span>She hated it when I had interests of my own.<\/p>\n
Then I tore off each of the balloons and said what was my truth.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re selfish\u201d \u2014 I am not selfish, I am very generous, I\u2019ve tried to help people beyond what my resources would bear… \u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re demanding\u201d \u2014 yes, I demand honesty and exchange and love in relationship.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou don\u2019t care\u201d \u2014 I do care about a lot of things that you can\u2019t even see…\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great\u201d \u2014 no mom, I don\u2019t, you succeeded there, I think I\u2019m a piece of shit, I\u2019ve never been able to develop and make good use of that creativity and intelligence you were so jealous of, aren\u2019t you proud of your work? …<\/p>\n
Then I did the letting go exercise.\u00a0 <\/span>I took hold of the towel and let go.\u00a0 <\/span>That was it.<\/p>\n
September 27
\nWell.\u00a0 <\/span>I hardly know what to say.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve had two days of being really different.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>I seem to be learning how to accept whatever comes.\u00a0 <\/span>I have hits of anxiety, hits of sadness, I make room for them but don\u2019t make a big deal out of them.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not frightened by every little thing.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>People don\u2019t all look horribly ugly and sick any more.<\/p>\nAlso, I notice that a lot of things that used to bother me don\u2019t seem to be important any more.\u00a0 <\/span>Like?\u00a0 <\/span>Things unfinished in this house.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not constantly comparing \u201cthis road is prettier than the one we live on.\u201d Stuff I wasn\u2019t even aware of until I\u2019m not doing it.<\/p>\n
A big piece of this must have been the work with Karen, telling Mother off.\u00a0 <\/span>Then discovering with Dana the feel of emotions that are unworkable and beginning to practice letting them be and distracting myself.<\/p>\n
September 29
\nWoke feeling pretty sick \u2014 slight headache, fluish.\u00a0 <\/span>I prayed to the god of love to help me love myself in my sickness and it seemed to work \u2014 I feel gentle toward myself, not impatient and angry.\u00a0 <\/span>…\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe it\u2019s just the bug that\u2019s going around.\u00a0 <\/span>Another chance to practice acceptance.<\/p>\nMy life has changed, but I didn\u2019t change it.\u00a0 <\/span>I seem to be making no effort, yet things are different.\u00a0 <\/span>The other night I started to cook spinach for my supper and then turned it into a tasty meal with cream sauce, rice and tofu.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t try to make it happen, it just happened.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Unfortunately, I go on from this good place to being depressed again and forced to find an anti-depressant that worked. \u00a0Which was scary because of the bad experience on Paxil<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for September 23, 1996. I find it fascinating that I start to do so much better. I think the work about Mother helped. I suspect that it’s also because, or maybe even mainly because I’ve been taking … Continue reading