Writing with a friend<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been having a difficult time.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t entirely know what\u2019s going on for me.\u00a0 <\/span>I do get occasional hits of fear, and if they last a little I can stand back from myself and give me a comforting hug.\u00a0 <\/span>Gosh, I wonder if it\u2019s possible that I\u2019m working out a relationship between my \u201cI\u201d and my\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cself.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>My self, for some reason is scared, disoriented, afraid she\u2019s doing everything wrong \u2014 or there\u2019s something she\u2019s supposed to be doing and she\u2019s not doing it.\u00a0 <\/span>I looked at trying to read more in \u201996 but I just couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s so bad \u2014 I\u2019m having a really rough time, actually the most recent, starting September 1, I\u2019m taking some medication \u2014 didn\u2019t recognize it \u2014 not able to go back and read pages and pages looking for it \u2014 the medication stops the fear, but I still feel miserable.\u00a0 <\/span>I suppose the fear is just distracting me from the depression and I\u2019m still depressed.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m also dealing with intense hot flashes.\u00a0 <\/span>Not sure if it\u2019s menopause or if I\u2019m still dealing with the fallout from the Paxil Episode.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sitting outside with Sharon, under the big umbrella.\u00a0 <\/span>I hear two blowers \u2014 nearby air conditioning \u2014 one just went off.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I wasn\u2019t so sensitive to sound.\u00a0 <\/span>There goes something else…<\/p>\n Now what am I feeling.\u00a0 <\/span>A kind of pain and tension in my chest.\u00a0 <\/span>It could be my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>Depression, sadness, grief?\u00a0 <\/span>If I could get to the grief, if I could only cry.\u00a0 <\/span>Why is the grieving so hard?\u00a0 <\/span>Because I\u2019m not grieving for something I had and lost \u2014 then you know what you\u2019ve lost and what you\u2019re grieving for.\u00a0 <\/span>But when it\u2019s something you should have had and didn\u2019t get, like caring and support from your parents, then you don\u2019t know what you didn\u2019t get.\u00a0 <\/span>You only know that there\u2019s a big hole in your life.<\/p>\n I think about Mama Greene.\u00a0 <\/span>She gave me love and support.\u00a0 <\/span>But by the time she came, I had already been traumatized.\u00a0 <\/span>And somehow I knew that if I got too close to Mama Greene Mother would be jealous and that would be really bad.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cLet\u2019s call Mama Greene and tell her we don\u2019t need her tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>At least I went upstairs, out of mother\u2019s hearing, called her and told her I loved her<\/a>.<\/p>\n Love.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s always been such a difficult word.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not sure what it means, or what it\u2019s supposed to feel like.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019m capable of love.\u00a0 <\/span>Tenderness.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember when I came across that word and realized it was something else I never experienced.<\/p>\n Note: the “I” and “self” designations are from The Web of Meaning, by Jeffrey Lent<\/a>. He calls the “I” the “conceptual intelligence” and the “self” is the “animate intelligence.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Writing with a friend I\u2019ve been having a difficult time.\u00a0 I don\u2019t entirely know what\u2019s going on for me.\u00a0 I do get occasional hits of fear, and if they last a little I can stand back from myself and give … Continue reading