From my journal for June 14, 1996<\/p>\n
Karen said \u201cYou started off meandering and came back to yourself,\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>but I\u2019m not so sure that\u2019s where I arrived.\u00a0 <\/span>The organic process of thought, that arrives not at some pre-ordained goal, but perhaps at some new connection, some reweaving of disparate pieces into wholeness.\u00a0 <\/span>Having no agenda, being open to all possibilities.\u00a0 <\/span>The issue of a hidden agenda, being constrained by old patterns, old woundings.\u00a0 <\/span>There is also the kind of \u201chidden agenda\u201d or strange attractor that a vision is for a life path \u2014 or one of Deena Metzger\u2019s core questions<\/a> \u2014 it keeps the path circling in one particular area, tho never repeating and always new, it doesn\u2019t wander randomly off into the void.\u00a0 <\/span>And I think of my attempts to follow \u201cthe wily red fox,\u201d to follow some elusive truth through a baffling complicated world.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I find this so interesting now. \u00a0My intellectual struggle to understand the process by which I explore ideas and come to a truth.<\/p>\n
What constitutes a \u201cgood day\u201d \u2014 having had three of them in the last ten days.\u00a0 <\/span>A good day is one in which I feel comfortable in my body, able to walk the dog, or putter around the house, not feel driven by anxiety to \u201cdo something\u201d i.e. something \u201cmeaningful,\u201d that would justify my life. \u00a0 <\/span>…\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>It seems like a \u201cgood day\u201d is one in which I\u2019m able to \u201cbe\u201d with my life, to fully be there for whatever is happening, no matter how low key or ordinary.\u00a0 <\/span>For some reason this brings up Jenny and her mother from Stern\u2019s book<\/a>, where the mother was always in her face, would not let her self-regulate but kept over-stimulating her.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of my mother\u2019s need for \u201cexcitement\u201d and my difficulty being with quiet, subtle, unstructured states \u2014 it was never safe enough for me to learn how to do it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
A good day is one in which I feel neither depression nor anxiety. At this point in my life, I did not know about the early trauma, nor had I had the advantage of knowing about what Erica called Mother’s “mis-representations.” Instead of mirroring me, so I could learn who I was, she managed to convince me I was a very negative person. \u00a0I “thought I was so great,” I “did not care” about anybody, and other negative things I supposedly did. Fortunately, I did well in school, so I had good grades, and she could never have convinced me I was stupid. In fact it was my intelligence and enthusiasm that she was both jealous of and threatened by, so she tried to stop me from expressing myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for June 14, 1996 Karen said \u201cYou started off meandering and came back to yourself,\u201d\u00a0 but I\u2019m not so sure that\u2019s where I arrived.\u00a0 The organic process of thought, that arrives not at some pre-ordained goal, but … Continue reading