From my journal for June 5, 1996<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not so much the fear that I am going to do something \u201cwrong,\u201d it\u2019s the knowledge that I am \u201cwrong,\u201d and nothing I can do will change it.\u00a0 <\/span>And then I feel stuck and trapped, because that world in which I am wrong was my whole world, there was nowhere else to go.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I am finding that there\u2019s another, bigger world, in which I belong, but the old feelings continue to operate.\u00a0 <\/span>And I suppose moving entirely to this new world, pulling up or severing my roots with the old one, could lead to just the sort of fear and disconnectedness that I\u2019ve been going through.\u00a0 <\/span>Now, perhaps, I am beginning to feel much more solidly rooted in this one.<\/p>\n
And the new world that I have moved \u2014 am moving \u2014 into?\u00a0 <\/span>where the divine powers support my individuation, support me being my Big Self in the world, send challenges to strengthen me but forgive me for all mistakes.\u00a0 <\/span>In this new world is Neskaya, and its magical and spiritual possibilities, sacred circle dance, \u201cmovement in depth,\u201d seasonal pageants \u2014 friends like Dana, Lynelle, Beverly, new friends like Sybil and Leylia \u2014 work with Karen \u2014 writing as process, I don\u2019t know how \u201cbooks\u201d will fit, I think of going back to the Ritual Autobiography Project and making it something for me to read, to help connect me back to that part of myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Writing for publication seems to be part of the old life.\u00a0 <\/span>In the new life I\u2019m focussed on the present, movement, Neskaya.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I gave up writing for publication when I realized I was writing “Written in Blood” to “prove that I deserve to live even though my parents were disappointed in me.” That motive just seemed totally wrong to me, and of course, it was coming out of the pain of a wounded, traumatized child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for June 5, 1996 It\u2019s not so much the fear that I am going to do something \u201cwrong,\u201d it\u2019s the knowledge that I am \u201cwrong,\u201d and nothing I can do will change it.\u00a0 And then I feel … Continue reading