From my journal for June 6, 1996<\/p>\n
O gosh I feel so awful.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m also scared \u2014 the old stuff \u2014 how will I take care of myself \u2014 feeling that I don\u2019t have the resources to get my needs met, and there is no safety net, no larger, wiser, bigger, older, more powerful being who will catch me if I fall.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of Mom & Dad saying \u201cDon\u2019t call us if you get into trouble\u201d when I bought the Agassiz property.\u00a0 <\/span>That was a long time ago, but it feels like the message of my childhood.\u00a0 <\/span>And not only will we not help you or support you or comfort you if you get into trouble, we will sneer at you and humiliate you and invalidate you.\u00a0 <\/span>Gosh what an awful dynamic to have built into one\u2019s psyche.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
So awful to have parents who expect you to take care of the younger children, but refuse to help you in any way. I realized how unsafe that made me feel. I know the feeling of lack of safety was exaggerated by the early trauma of being left alone when I was a baby, but I didn’t know that in 1996. When I got here to Kendal, and they told me if I run out of money they won’t kick me out but will continue to take care of me, I suddenly felt safe for the first time. That was a shock. To feel safe for the first time in my life. To have never felt safe before, because of my parents’ attachment to money. That’s so sad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for June 6, 1996 O gosh I feel so awful.\u00a0 I\u2019m also scared \u2014 the old stuff \u2014 how will I take care of myself \u2014 feeling that I don\u2019t have the resources to get my needs … Continue reading