(Written in September 2010)
\nWhat would it be like if I believed that I was a good person who was doing her best to do good in the world? I can feel an odd softening, almost tingling in my heart. I woke up very tired \u2014 I\u2019m having English Breakfast tea \u2014 and a little scared & sad which feels like a very low intensity version of \u201cshocked heart.\u201d I try to hold & comfort it but nothing changes. Well, then, I\u2019ll just reassure the baby that it\u2019s OK, it doesn\u2019t have to change, I\u2019ll just stay with it in the fear, and I won\u2019t leave it alone.
\nMassage was comforting except that the music was \u2018Secret Garden.\u2019 I don\u2019t know what it is about that music that makes me feel \u2014 what? \u2014 sad, lost, bereft, like I don\u2019t belong here \u2014 I really can\u2019t find the words. I felt that way all day. Lonely, raw, sensitive, quivering, like very vulnerable parts of me are being exposed to something that denies their existence. It\u2019s not hostility, but indifference, indifference that disappears me. What I desperately want is something warm & grounded that holds me lovingly and comforts me and tells me she\u2019s glad I\u2019m here. \u201cI am glad you\u2019re here, even when you\u2019re scared,\u201d I say to the baby me, and I can feel her relief. Writing it down, I can see that it\u2019s a pretty accurate picture of Baby Jenny in Mom\u2019s energy field. And as I\u2019m writing the description I\u2019m feeling more solid and present and comfortable. I\u2019m pretty sure all those weird feelings are flashbacks. Maybe the hot weather triggers flashbacks to infancy in Cincinnati in summer.
\n\u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re here, you can be as scared as you need to be, and I\u2019ll be right here, I\u2019m not going away.\u201d
\nI started reading the blog in the evening, when even a puzzle & solitaire wasn\u2019t working, and the blog was comforting. And there\u2019s a chill of fear. It\u2019s OK that I\u2019m finding my own writing comforting, it\u2019s the truth about my life. \u201cThere, there, dear, it\u2019s Mom who didn\u2019t like your creativity and your quest for truth. She\u2019s dead. I\u2019m here and I support your creativity and quest for truth, it\u2019s the deepest and most true part of you.”
\n8:10 heard geese! Went outside, a single skein traveling south.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2010) What would it be like if I believed that I was a good person who was doing her best to do good in the world? I can feel an odd softening, almost tingling in my heart. … Continue reading