From my journal for April 17, 1996<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been thinking how out of touch I feel with that experience of spaciousness I had last year.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s as though it happened to a different person.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel like I\u2019ve had all these experiences, many of them wonderful, and very solid feeling at the time, but somehow they haven\u2019t stuck, I haven\u2019t integrated them into who I am.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s like I captured them briefly in a net and then they dissolved and disappeared.<\/p>\n
Reading the books on infancy does suggest that most of my recent experience is related to infancy, somehow I\u2019ve lost contact with the more adult parts of myself \u2014 like that notion of the descent of Inanna<\/a>, leaving all her adult coping strategies behind as she goes down into the most ancient wounded place.\u00a0 <\/span>I had a different image \u2014 I saw myself as though engaged in a task of assembling something and one of the first steps had been done wrong.\u00a0 <\/span>Therefore, the whole thing had to be dismantled, painstakingly, so I could readjust the pieces of the foundation.\u00a0 <\/span>I see myself setting aside \u201cspaciousness\u201d and \u201ccreativity\u201d and other pieces as I work my way down to the bottom.\u00a0 <\/span>When I finally get the bottom \u201cput together right\u201d will I then be able to reclaim all the other pieces?\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s an interesting analogy\/paradigm for the functioning of psyche, but it is accurate?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I’d been reading books by D.W.Winnicott<\/a> and Daniel Stern<\/a>. Lots of interesting ideas about the psychological dynamics of mothers and babies. I think my intuition is right on, that there’s something important right at the beginning of my life, “one of the first steps had been done wrong.” Yes, I was traumatized before the age of three which is when the brain matures. That means that my brain matured under the influence of trauma. There is no actual term for this kind of early trauma. \u00a0Bessel van der Kolk<\/a> proposed a diagnosis of DTD \u2014 Developmental Trauma Disorder, for children traumatized before the age of three. But so far the people in charge of the Diagnostic Categories have only allowed CPTSD \u2014 Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder<\/a> \u2014 which covers a number of different conditions.<\/p>\n
Yes, I had to actually go back and deal with the foundations, with the consequences of that early trauma, before I could begin to heal from my childhood. The work with Erica, a specialist in trauma and attachment \u2014 my earliest relationship with my mother \u2014has finally helped me get down to the bottom.<\/p>\n
I love that my scientist asks of my idea “Is it accurate?” I had no way to know until I understood about the early trauma.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for April 17, 1996 I\u2019ve been thinking how out of touch I feel with that experience of spaciousness I had last year.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though it happened to a different person.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019ve had all … Continue reading