I have been having a very hard time because I haven’t been able to sleep unless I take a drug, which I’ve now taken for almost a month, and shouldn’t take for very long. \u00a0But if I don’t take it, I don’t sleep at all, and that leaves me with a brain barely functioning and too tired than to do more than get food for myself and the dog, and walk the dog. \u00a0Even taking the medication, I do fall asleep, but I wake up still tired and find it hard to get going in the morning. Even with this much sleep, I still can’t do much more, though I have managed to get some practical things done.<\/p>\n
Notes from my journal for Friday, May 10<\/p>\n
I have been feeling so sad.\u00a0 <\/span>Part of it is reading Green Dolphin Street<\/a> \u2014 Marianne is in pain because William loves Marguerite, Marguerite in pain because Marianne helps when his father dies, William seduced in China, loses his place in the Navy, has to stay in New Zealand.\u00a0 <\/span>My heart hurts.<\/p>\n
Also hurts because I\u2019m too tired to do anything meaningful, my mind simply can\u2019t connect with Spirit, I feel cast out.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Saturday, May 11<\/p>\n
So tired.\u00a0 <\/span>So discouraged.\u00a0 <\/span>Realizing that I can\u2019t think well enough to deal with the cell phone even though I\u2019m paying something like $60 a month for it.\u00a0 <\/span>The song in my head is the Lower Lights<\/a> \u2014 \u201csome poor fainting struggling seaman, you may rescue you may save.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I got the cell phone several months back, but my friend who was going to help me has a husband with Parkinson’s and she’s needed to spend a lot of time with him. The phone does not work properly, and I simply haven’t been able to deal with it. \u00a0First because of having breast cancer<\/a>, and then this sleeplessness.<\/p>\n
The Lower Lights is a hymn that we sing when we do the informal Hymn Sing on Tuesday nights. Often asked for by a man who was in the Navy.<\/p>\n
I guess I\u2019m the \u201cfainting struggling seaman.\u201d<\/p>\n
I started reading Marcelle Martin\u2019s book<\/a> at bedtime.\u00a0 <\/span>The book talks about getting in touch with Spirit, allowing Spirit to guide you, etc.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m having such a hard time right now even feeling the presence of spirit.\u00a0 <\/span>I try to pray but it\u2019s difficult and painful.\u00a0 T<\/span>here was a time, not that long ago, when I felt in touch with both Jesus and Julian of Norwich<\/a>.\u00a0 B<\/span>ut now, I can\u2019t feel either of them, and when I pray \u201cMay I beheld in lovingkindness\u201d I don\u2019t feel anything.\u00a0 <\/span>So it\u2019s back to \u201cI choose to trust that the Universe is alive and intelligent and holds us all in compassion.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I can say it, but I don\u2019t feel anything.\u00a0 <\/span>back to the Lower Lights…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Part of my difficult praying or getting in touch with Spirit is my brain not working properly because of too little sleep. I am feeling very lost, and despairing, and totally without support.<\/p>\n
If this post is a confusing jumble, it’s a perfect reflection of my life at this moment. In fact I feel like I don’t have a life. I’d rather be dead, but I can’t do that to Mocha.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have been having a very hard time because I haven’t been able to sleep unless I take a drug, which I’ve now taken for almost a month, and shouldn’t take for very long. \u00a0But if I don’t take it, … Continue reading