The combination of early trauma and the possibility of cancer has been totally disruptive. I have been having a very hard time sleeping. \u00a0At least three nights when I didn’t sleep at all, and most nights waking at 2 or 3 and not sleeping after that. I am exhausted and finding it very hard to function. This has been going on since the beginning of March.<\/p>\n
After another night of no sleep at all, I gave in and took some Melatonin two nights ago. I did manage to sleep most of the night. Last night I did the same thing, but was awake before 3:00. So I am barely functional.<\/p>\n
This morning the song in my head was Meg Barnhouse’s song<\/a> about Julian of Norwich, All Shall Be Well.<\/p>\n This was the best version<\/a> I could find of the original quote. Go down to the last day. Something I didn’t realize until now is that the words aren’t Julian’s, they are what she heard God say.<\/p>\n From my journal for April 11:<\/p>\n Walking Mocha outside, light rain, looking at grass and trees.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought briefly about the political idiocy and the wars, and then I saw very clearly that that wasn\u2019t reality and reality was good<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t explain it better than that, but it still feels clear.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n From my journal for April 12:<\/p>\n Then there was that odd realization while walking the dog.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it was a variation of the goodness beyond goodness<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>Unable to put it into words.\u00a0 <\/span>I suspect it was my True Self acting.\u00a0 <\/span>I have been calling on True Self to be with me.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe it worked.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n From my journal for April 13:<\/p>\n The song in my head all morning has been Meg Barnhouse\u2019s All Shall Be Well.\u00a0 <\/span>While walking Mocha I again had the sense that despite all that\u2019s gone wrong for me, all is still well.\u00a0 <\/span>I am safely in the hands of God.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n This is so different from what I’ve experienced for most of my life. I am just amazed. I think it must be my effort to get True Self to be with me, and True Self knows that all is well.<\/p>\n And I am still utterly exhausted and finding it hard to function.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The combination of early trauma and the possibility of cancer has been totally disruptive. I have been having a very hard time sleeping. \u00a0At least three nights when I didn’t sleep at all, and most nights waking at 2 or … Continue reading