(Written in August 2008)
\n\tI felt so much better yesterday! It\u2019s so amazing \u2014 to be able to enjoy my ordinary life instead of feeling like it\u2019s an unpleasant chore. There were times in the morning when I could feel unpleasant feelings and scared thoughts and I fastened my awareness more tightly on whatever I was doing \u2014 like Lynn Hill climbing El Capitan \u2014 and was able to come fully into the present moment and leave the misery behind. I think this may be the gift of the medication. Wherever it comes from, I\u2019m grateful.<\/p>\n
\tIt\u2019s so wonderful to have enough energy to enjoy my life, to be able to work in the garden, walk the dog, fix a decent meal. I see that feeling so much better it\u2019s easy to imagine I can do more \u2014 part of me still wants to do the weekend with Deena Metzger, but part of me knows it wouldn\u2019t be wise. At least that doesn\u2019t feel as painful as it did.
\n\tI\u2019m also feeling better about the money issue, but I see that I simply have to hold hard and not feel I have to keep sending money to causes I once supported. and still think are worth while. I got overextended there for a while \u2014 both my time & energy and my financial resources. I was thinking about my pain around dying and leaving Bella to wait for the person who never comes, and realizing that because I know that pain, I\u2019m reluctant to \u201cabandon\u201d anything \u2014 even a cause that still has plenty of supporters, even an object that I don\u2019t use any more. At the time I saw it, the insight didn\u2019t help because I could still feel my agonized resistance, but now I\u2019m feeling enough better to say \u201cRight. I can\u2019t support them all. I have to choose which ones are more important to me and let the rest go.\u201d I was telling Kayla yesterday how, when I first got on medication, I was able to actually use the insights I\u2019d gained working with Karen. Before medication, I kept coming back to the same issues and nothing changed because the chemistry of depression is self-reinforcing. Something to remember when next I\u2019m tempted to reduce the meds or take on another project.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in August 2008) I felt so much better yesterday! It\u2019s so amazing \u2014 to be able to enjoy my ordinary life instead of feeling like it\u2019s an unpleasant chore. There were times in the morning when I could feel … Continue reading