Intense therapy session with Erica. \u00a0We did some parts work which I found very complex and confusing at the time, and I was upset when it ended. \u00a0But reading back over my notes, I was able to make a lot more sense out of it. \u00a0I’ve been feeling a lot better today, not so lost, more grounded, back to my “real” self.<\/p>\n
The important piece had to do with what IFS calls “polarization,” where two parts are pulling against each other. \u00a0The external circumstance was a dinner table conversation the night before. \u00a0At the table were two men I know somewhat as friends, and a woman in her nineties who has some memory loss and comes on very strongly. \u00a0My feelings about Molly were exactly what Erica was talking about, pulling in two directions, but it took us a while to get to them. \u00a0We needed to be able to identify my reactions correctly, with a certain amount of subtlety. \u00a0Simplistically, there was a part that didn’t like Molly and a part that envied her vivaciousness. \u00a0It took a while for me to understand that I didn’t like her because her vivaciousness felt false in some way, it wasn’t about connecting, it was about overwhelming us with her energy. \u00a0I didn’t<\/span> in fact want to be like her. \u00a0My enthusiasm is not about me<\/span>, but about the topic<\/span>, and I want to have a real conversation, a discussion, not a speech. \u00a0I want there to be connection and relationship.<\/p>\n Last night, as I left the dining room, I was feeling like everyone saw me as a very boring person. \u00a0What I realized in the session with Erica was that I didn’t at all<\/span> want to be like Molly, I wanted to be vivacious in my own way, with real enthusiasm for the topic but no wish to coerce someone into agreeing with me. \u00a0As I was leaving the dining room, though, all I had was the part who envied Molly and saw me as boring.<\/p>\n Oddly, I felt the presence of my introjected mother, criticizing me, but if my real mother had been there, she would have said of Molly “She thinks she’s so great.” \u00a0It looks like my introjected mother is not like my real mother, but a part who would only attack me<\/span>, whereas I remember hearing Mother say of someone else “She thinks she’s so great.” \u00a0I realize that Molly really does “think she’s so great,” whereas I never do, I think astronomy or folk dance or somatic experiencing is great. Understanding that what I really want is the Truth ended the polarization.<\/p>\n But I can see, while the polarization was going on, it was very damaging. \u00a0As long as I had the two parts pulling me in opposite directions, I couldn’t see what was really going on, but got stuck in the place in between. No wonder I was confused and feeling hopeless. One thing that helped a lot was the presence of the two men, who didn’t buy into Molly’s intensity, but were more interested in conversation and relationship than figuring out what was “right.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Intense therapy session with Erica. \u00a0We did some parts work which I found very complex and confusing at the time, and I was upset when it ended. \u00a0But reading back over my notes, I was able to make a lot … Continue reading