From my journal for February 7, 1996<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling some fear, most likely I\u2019m scared of seeing Dr. Brunette this afternoon.\u00a0 <\/span>I find that I\u2019m really terrified at the idea of taking an anti-depressant for the rest of my life.\u00a0 <\/span>This is not how I felt last fall when I first read the book about the new drugs \u2014 it seemed like such a sensible solution, but I think I had the illusion that I could take it til I was better, and then quit.<\/p>\n
Dr. Brunette was late.\u00a0 <\/span>I found myself crying as I waited which lets me know how fragile I am.\u00a0 <\/span>The receptionist was one of those people who is a little stupid, but manages to make me feel like I\u2019m the one who\u2019s done something wrong (\u201cWe don\u2019t have any appointment here for Dr. Brunette.\u201d)\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n
Dr. Brunette was thin and dark, looked a little worried.\u00a0 <\/span>She asked good questions, described how I was feeling as \u201cno future.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, exactly.\u00a0 <\/span>She doesn\u2019t think there\u2019s an underlying thyroid problem (no weight gain).\u00a0 <\/span>She said I was dealing with classic depression and post-traumatic stress.\u00a0 <\/span>That was a bit of a shock.\u00a0 <\/span>I was feeling like I was complaining about nothing much, but to her it sounded like someone who\u2019s been traumatized.\u00a0 <\/span>She thought I should try anti-depressants.\u00a0 <\/span>When I expressed fear about having to take them the rest of my life she said that wasn\u2019t necessarily true.\u00a0 <\/span>She said \u201cIt\u2019s your life and your body.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>She recommends taking it for six months after you feel better, since people often relapse.\u00a0 <\/span>She said for someone like me, who\u2019s had three major depressions, chances of another one were very high, but that people sometimes decided they preferred to take the risk.\u00a0 <\/span>She gave me a prescription for Paxil, since I didn\u2019t feel good about Prozac.<\/p>\n
So I have very mixed feelings.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt sad and defeated, yet I also enjoyed the beauty of the landscape as I drove home.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought about what I was afraid of: 1) that the drug would damage my body, 2) that it would prevent me from doing the underlying work that needs to be done.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I saw that this was exactly what happened to my parents with alcohol, it damaged their bodies, and they used it to avoid facing and dealing with their conflicts.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I read through the record of the days when I was taking Paxil. \u00a0It’s not very clear. \u00a0I obviously was having a hard time. I felt a lot of fear. \u00a0What I remember was that I took it for five days, getting more and more scared, until on the fifth night I couldn’t sleep at all, and started hallucinating in the grocery store, and stopped taking it. But my journal shows a very different picture. It looks like I started taking it on February 19, and stopped on or before the 27, which is nine days. I don’t even mention being up all night, calling a suicide hotline, hallucinating in the grocery store. I do mention feeling like I wasn’t myself, talking to Dana about it, and having him reassure me that I talked the same way I always did.<\/p>\n
I was fine for a while, didn\u2019t feel depressed at all, but gradually I began to have trouble eating and sleeping.\u00a0 In the hot weather I began waking up in terror, soaking wet, after only 90 minutes of sleep.\u00a0 I would be able to sleep again, but for no more than 90 minutes when I would wake terrified again.\u00a0 My weight went down to 105 lbs.\u00a0 I was in a pretty constant state of terror. \u00a0I called it the “Summer from Hell<\/a>. Because I had such a bad experience on Paxil, I decided that Dr. Brunette was wrong when she diagnosed post-traumatic stress.<\/p>\n
The story of how I got on medication<\/a> that worked is in a blog post.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for February 7, 1996 I\u2019m feeling some fear, most likely I\u2019m scared of seeing Dr. Brunette this afternoon.\u00a0 I find that I\u2019m really terrified at the idea of taking an anti-depressant for the rest of my life.\u00a0 … Continue reading