I’ve been having a really hard confusing time. Excerpts from some relevant journal entries:<\/p>\n
Friday, January 26 \u00a0 …\u00a0this odd realization.\u00a0 <\/span>Something to do with if God is in everything, then I \u201cam\u201d God, if god feels my pain then god is manifesting as odd, difficult, broken Jenny, and that\u2019s somehow all right, but also a paradox.\u00a0 <\/span>When I look at odd, difficult, broken Jenny from outside, I love<\/span> her. \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>!!<\/p>\n
Saturday, January 27 \u00a0 \u00a0Maybe I\u2019m stuck in a part.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m certainly feeling very odd.\u00a0 <\/span>Hard to find words.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t belong anywhere.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t feel connected with anyone.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t feel connected with Nature.\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I imagine a baby, and reach out to her, but I realize she\u2019s frozen, she\u2019s unconscious.\u00a0 <\/span>I pick her up and she starts to fight.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep holding her as firmly but gently as I can.\u00a0 <\/span>She keeps fighting.\u00a0 <\/span>Finally she slows down.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep holding her.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I apologize for forgetting about her.\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I just keep holding her.
\nWell I feel pretty solid, just sitting here holding the baby.\u00a0 <\/span>Not interested in doing a puzzle.\u00a0 <\/span>Just able to sit here & be quiet.\u00a0 <\/span>Holding the baby and letting go of both of us on the out breath, me still holding her.<\/p>\nSunday, January 28 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Feeling like such a useless, worthless person.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I remember standing back from odd, difficult, broken Jenny and loving her.\u00a0 <\/span>Can I do that again? where was that? \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 It was Friday morning, and I had been reading something in Rohr about how God is somehow all of us.\u00a0 <\/span>God is in us and we are in God.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, I see why they have to say it both ways.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a paradox, that\u2019s how it makes sense.\u00a0 <\/span>I really get it, but it\u2019s not possible to say in words. \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I suppose, if odd, broken Jenny is a manifestation of God, then it doesn\u2019t matter if people like her, or think she\u2019s a \u201cworthy\u201d person.
\nI guess there\u2019s really nothing to do but keep emptying myself<\/a> so God can work through me.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes I feel Divine energy moving through me, sometimes I don\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>And I have no idea what the results are, and I don\u2019t suppose anyone knows it\u2019s coming through me, and all that doesn\u2019t matter a bit.\u00a0 <\/span>I do have to trust that something good is happening otherwise there\u2019s not much point in going on.
\n….\u00a0everything seems totally unfamiliar.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe I am blended with another part.\u00a0 <\/span>I think this is an older part, maybe teenager.\u00a0 <\/span>Freshman at Wellesley?\u00a0 <\/span>The summer Piet came to Maine<\/a>?\u00a0 <\/span>The one who broke David\u2019s windows<\/a>?\u00a0 <\/span>The summer I broke my ankle?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m feeling like what\u2019s the point of going on.\u00a0 <\/span>That first winter in Maine when I was suicidal?\u00a0 <\/span>Definitely strong feelings of why keep making the effort to keep going.\u00a0 <\/span>Well of course that happened many times in my life, it could be any of them.<\/p>\nSo I played a MyMix that started with Fire & Rain<\/a>. ended with Times We\u2019re Living in<\/a>. \u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDays like flowers bloom and fade and they do not come again.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Do I believe that\u2019s how life is?\u00a0 <\/span>NO.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s what I grew up with, but I believe that people are supposed to have more honest and real relationships and there should be a lot more love and not so much buying and selling.\u00a0 <\/span>I believe loving communities are what we\u2019re designed for, and that it\u2019s possible for us to do it.\u00a0 <\/span>I believe there are a lot of people doing it, but we don\u2019t hear about them.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t been able to find such a thing for myself.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been a difficult day.\u00a0 <\/span>The first thing that helped was the chapter on Mary Montague in The Dean\u2019s Watch<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>For a while I was feeling really hopeless, unable to do anything worth while.\u00a0 <\/span>O yes I tried to get in touch with another part but couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>But I did manage to say I didn\u2019t believe the cultural paradigm, and to hang on to an alternate possibility.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
So what’s going on here? I see myself having odd realizations about my relationship\/connection with God, attempting to connect with parts, making a statement about my worldview as against the cultural paradigm. At the time I was feeling very confused, but reading over this, I can see that I’m working on some important issues, but I haven’t come to any conclusion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve been having a really hard confusing time. Excerpts from some relevant journal entries: Friday, January 26 \u00a0 …\u00a0this odd realization.\u00a0 Something to do with if God is in everything, then I \u201cam\u201d God, if god feels my pain then … Continue reading