From my journal for February 5, 1996<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been trying to live as though I were going to die soon, and of course that brings me right back to the present moment, to being in the present as much as possible.\u00a0 <\/span>But the present is no escape from the pain and fear that come from no source that I know of.\u00a0 <\/span>It feels like everything is contaminated by the fear of death and meaninglessness.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of the Zen tale of the man hanging off the cliff by a vine that is being nibbled by mice, at the foot of the cliff is a hungry tiger.\u00a0 <\/span>Near him a strawberry is growing and he plucks and eats it \u2014 and enjoys<\/span> it.\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019s so completely in the present moment that the taste of the strawberry is not contaminated by the fear of doom.\u00a0 <\/span>But I feel like my life has been contaminated by something that\u2019s already happened and that can\u2019t be changed.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s no growth, no forgiveness, no transformation possible.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel like an infant whose mother has said \u201cYou\u2019re more trouble than you\u2019re worth.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>What am I to do?\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t leave, I\u2019m truly dependent and helpless.\u00a0 <\/span>So of course I live my life trying to be as independent as possible, trying so hard not to be a burden to anyone.\u00a0 <\/span>And feeling that it\u2019s too late to redeem myself, there\u2019s nothing I can do to make myself \u201cworth\u201d the trouble Dana takes for me for example.\u00a0 <\/span>It seems that he should be in charge of deciding that, he seems to think I\u2019m worth it.\u00a0 <\/span>But I can\u2019t take it in.\u00a0 <\/span>And, in fact, I think I defend myself against it because it would be too painful to take it in and then have it vanish.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“the pain and fear that come from no source that I know of.” \u00a0 “my life has been contaminated by something that’s already happened and that can’t be changed. \u00a0There’s no growth, no forgiveness, no transformation possible.” \u00a0This is such a brilliant description of what PTSD feels like. \u00a0In 1996, I still have no idea what happened to me.<\/p>\n
Some of this \u2014 “too late to redeem myself” \u2014 is also from the fact that my mother never forgave<\/a> me for anything.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for February 5, 1996 I\u2019ve been trying to live as though I were going to die soon, and of course that brings me right back to the present moment, to being in the present as much as … Continue reading