From my journal for February 5, 1996<\/p>\n
I wanted to write down the number of conflicts I\u2019ve been experiencing:<\/p>\n
MOVEMENT <\u2014> STILLNESS \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I know that exercise is important in combatting depression.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve found that getting up and moving often eases that frozen state.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s hard to do things like yoga and continuum because it\u2019s hard to be with myself.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t want to jump up and run away from the pain, but to try to be there for myself, be at least a witness if I can\u2019t comfort myself or make it change.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“That frozen state” is a consequence of trauma. If one cannot fight or flee (the state of a baby) the reptilian default is “freeze.” \u00a0I describe it beautifully, but I have no idea what I’m up against.<\/p>\n
CORRECT DIET <\u2014> COMFORT \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I no longer know what\u2019s OK and what\u2019s not OK to eat.\u00a0 <\/span>In the past, tightening up my diet seemed to help make me feel both mentally and physically better. But this fall, it didn\u2019t work at all.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I\u2019m starting to feel that being so strict about food is counter-productive.\u00a0 <\/span>But I don\u2019t know, and there\u2019s no way to know.\u00a0 <\/span>I have experience of too many headaches resulting from white enriched flour and\/or sugar to make those an attractive proposition, but as for avoiding dairy, corn, meat, etc, I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s worth it any more.\u00a0 <\/span>It would be easier to decide if I had an actual craving for something.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Now I think that the issue of trauma is confusing things. It may have an impact on what’s safe to eat that I don’t even know about.<\/p>\n
DIGNITY <\u2014> DISCHARGE\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been holding up the ideal for myself that I should behave with dignity, that I\u2019ve done plenty of crying in front of my friends and it \u201chasn\u2019t done any good\u201d \u2014 doesn\u2019t make me feel better, gets them upset.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been thinking that if I were going to die I would not want to poison my last days with a lot of negative emotions.\u00a0 <\/span>But today on my walk it occurred to me that \u201cdignity\u201d describes what it looks like from outside.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDignity\u201d is one of my mother\u2019s values, it\u2019s a form of \u201clooking good,\u201d and, when I lay it on myself, it\u2019s form of trying to keep my pain from inconveniencing someone else, i.e. Mom.\u00a0 <\/span>I have decided that when it comes down to a choice between dignity and truth, I chose truth.\u00a0 <\/span>And though I would like to spare Dana my pain, I can\u2019t do it by pretending I\u2019m OK, he cares enough about me and is sensitive enough that he sees right through my pretence.\u00a0 <\/span>Mother, on the other hand, wants me to pretend, and is perfectly satisfied with the most minimal version because it doesn\u2019t make any demands on her.\u00a0 <\/span>So I think I\u2019ll throw out \u201cdignity\u201d as a value to live by.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Neither hiding my pain nor expressing it will work to help me heal. I need to be doing something like Somatic Experiencing<\/a> where I allow my body to discharge the trauma energy.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, I do want to be able to create some spaciousness around my pain \u2014 as Stephen Levine describes there\u2019s a way of having pain \u201cfloat\u201d in the spaciousness.\u00a0 <\/span>This is not something I\u2019ve been able to achieve, but it appeals to me.\u00a0 <\/span>It seems to be a way of staying with the truth of my pain and bearing witness as I want to do.\u00a0 <\/span>This means I can\u2019t get all wrapped up in the pain, involved with expressing it, I have to stand back a little, keep quiet, give it space.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes I feel that trying to discharge the pain by crying, screaming, getting upset, is really just another way to try to escape it.\u00a0 <\/span>Yet I know that actual discharge can help release muscular tension.\u00a0 <\/span>So I come back to discharge when appropriate, i.e. with Karen, and sometimes with Dana what I know what to ask for.\u00a0 <\/span>Exploring and witnessing the pain is something that I need to do alone, not something I can do easily with other people around.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Before I can really begin to work on healing the trauma, I need to know that’s what I’m up against, I need to get on medication<\/a> so the effects aren’t too strong, I need the help of a trauma informed therapist.<\/p>\n
DISTRACTION <\u2014> STAYING WITH THE PROCESS \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>Actually, I think distraction has ceased to work.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m thinking back to when I first went skiing and it was such a lift.\u00a0 <\/span>Also visits with people that seemed to help for a time.\u00a0 <\/span>But now the distraction effect only works while I\u2019m actually doing the thing, and I can\u2019t ski or visit all the time.\u00a0 <\/span>Then the relief of distraction only makes the down time worse.\u00a0 <\/span>On the other hand, as with food, I\u2019ve haven\u2019t seen any real advances from \u201cstaying with the process.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I think I\u2019m worse now than I was in November.\u00a0 <\/span>Well, I remind myself that I don\u2019t have any idea how long it will take.\u00a0 <\/span>And I would stick with see clearly, true to myself, and bear witness<\/a> even if there were no improvement.\u00a0 <\/span>So I\u2019m back to that bottom line.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It surprises and impresses me that I have something to hang on to even when nothing is working. \u00a0See clearly, stay true to myself, and bear witness to the pain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for February 5, 1996 I wanted to write down the number of conflicts I\u2019ve been experiencing: MOVEMENT <\u2014> STILLNESS \u00a0 \u00a0 I know that exercise is important in combatting depression.\u00a0 I\u2019ve found that getting up and moving … Continue reading