These notes are from my journal for January 30, 1996. \u00a0I’ve clearly had a very bad night. I haven’t been able to find the previous notebook, so I don’t know what else I might have said. But my reference to Dr. Brunette, a psychiatrist I was going to ask for a prescription for an anti-depressant, and to the Brattleboro Retreat, which is a mental hospital, suggest that I’m having a pretty hard time.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m in the hut.\u00a0Listening to Aap Sahaee Hoah. Released some tears initially which relieved some of the pain in my chest. I\u2019ve had it since Sunday night \u2014 don\u2019t know whether it\u2019s physical or emotional.
\nPlaces to go for help:
\nDr. Brunette(appointment a week from tomorrow)
\nBrattleboro Retreat
\nKarme Choling
\nRowe & Deena Metzger (weekend of Feb 9-11)
\nKripalu & sound self<\/p>\nI suppose I could go to Kripalu for R&R sooner.\u00a0Last night was so bad, I wonder what I\u2019d do if I felt that bad at Rowe?<\/p>\n
Things to remember (Recopied from previous notebook so I\u2019ll have them to go back to)
\nIt was this bad in \u201970 and \u201971 and I came out of it.
\nLife is a mystery, health is a mystery
\nI have made a difference to people I care about:\u00a0Dana, Beverly, Lynelle, Sybil, Alice.<\/p>\nSEE CLEARLY, observe myself without judgment<\/p>\n
STAY TRUE TO MYSELF \u00a0\u00a0and what self is that?<\/p>\n
BEAR WITNESS TO THE PAIN \u00a0 \u00a0and don\u2019t abandon myself<\/p>\n
I OFFER MYSELF TO THIS PROCESS<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Journal for January 31<\/p>\n
Better night last night.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t sleep well, in fact I was awake from about 4:00 to 5:00 and woke very tired at 7:00.\u00a0 <\/span>But at least I didn\u2019t go into the pit of the night before.\u00a0 <\/span>I took physical precautions: I had a tea tree bath before going to bed, I put on the filter and ionizer, I made sure Dana would be OK with me coming to get in his bed if I had a really bad night.<\/p>\n
But I think what was most helpful was talking to Lynelle in the car on the way to and from Hart.\u00a0 <\/span>I told her how bad I had been feeling, how I had lost everything I used to hold on to in the night.\u00a0 <\/span>She was concerned about the money we\u2019re spending [on her] (it was $600 yesterday) and I said I didn\u2019t know if it was too much because it felt like I was going to be dead in a couple of months so what did it matter?\u00a0 <\/span>She said she thought such bottom of the pit questioning of why live was related to experiences from infancy, that she thought I had been wounded very early.\u00a0 <\/span>I think she is right, and having some kind of cause for the depression turned it into a piece of work that I\u2019m doing, something from the past that needs healing, rather than the eternal damnation it feels like.\u00a0 <\/span>Certainly I was feeling very much better, by late last evening I felt \u201cnormal\u201d though scared to go to bed for fear of a repeat of the night before.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Lynelle is very perceptive. She was seeing that I was dealing with trauma from a very early age. It’s going to take me a few more years before I really understand how right she is.<\/p>\n
From my journal for February 1<\/p>\n
Spent time with Dana talking about my emotional ups & downs.\u00a0 <\/span>I said there weren\u2019t any \u201cups\u201d as such, there was just the \u201cnormal\u201d \u201cneutral\u201d place and the blue black pit and I seem to be cycling between them.\u00a0 <\/span>I said I often came out of the pit as a result of a conversation with him, with Beverly, with Lynelle, in which I felt safe to talk about the depression and then, with their help, to come to some sense of a wider context.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The reason why it helped to have a conversation with a friend was that I wasn’t alone any more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
These notes are from my journal for January 30, 1996. \u00a0I’ve clearly had a very bad night. I haven’t been able to find the previous notebook, so I don’t know what else I might have said. But my reference to … Continue reading