From my journal for January 1, 1996<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve never felt less like a new year.\u00a0 <\/span>All the hoorah that people make, the parties, Times Square, etc seems so silly, so feeble.\u00a0 <\/span>People going through the motions of newness (new year\u2019s resolutions, changing the calendar) but they haven\u2019t done any of the work that\u2019s necessary for renewal.\u00a0 <\/span>And underneath all the hoopla is the feeling \u201cTime’s going on. I haven\u2019t done what I wanted to with my life\u201d but that\u2019s firmly repressed so instead of taking a good look at it, which might lead to real action for change, they just get drunk.<\/p>\n
I feel sad that we never did our candle-lighting ceremony this year.\u00a0 <\/span>Acknowledging the darkness and lighting candles for our hopes and wishes and visions seems a good way of making the transition.<\/p>\n
A new year is an opportunity for stock-taking, and thought about the future.\u00a0 <\/span>What can I say about last year?\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a confused mass in my mind, of repeated setbacks, ongoing struggle, and after briefly climbing out of the pit \u2014 I vaguely remember being able to be creative in some new kind of way back in May and June (the doll house, the blue & white striped dress) \u2014 and then tumbling backwards into what seems an even deeper pit with not much sense that I will be able to climb out again.<\/p>\n
Yes, last year feels like continuous ongoing struggle against some force that kept on wearing me down, pushing me down, so that I feel like I have majorly lost ground.\u00a0<\/span>And I remind myself that I\u2019m continuing to work with Karen, and I\u2019ve started new processes in the body work with Robin and the network chiropractic and the Reiki \u2014 and I don\u2019t know how\/if these processes will work to bring me out of the pit.<\/p>\n
I see myself as selfish, self-indulgent, lazy and worthless.\u00a0 <\/span>I suppose I should dispute those.\u00a0 <\/span>They are certainly permanent, pervasive and personal<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>OK \u201cselfish\u201d \u2014 I am self-involved because I\u2019m struggling with constant physical disability and have to monitor what I eat and what I do.\u00a0 <\/span>I am self-centered for similar reasons, also because as an artist, I work with what comes from inside so that\u2019s an intensely personal focus, and as a scientist I\u2019m an explorer of the psyche, my psyche being the only one I have access to.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cSelf-indulgent\u201d \u2014 well, I\u2019m not.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m actually very disciplined in following a restricted diet, keeping up with yoga, etc.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t buy myself enough goodies and treats, I don\u2019t praise myself for things well done, certainly don\u2019t praise or thank myself for being so disciplined in taking care of myself.\u00a0 <\/span>O yes \u2014 against selfish and self-indulgent put my efforts to support my friend Eleanor<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cLazy\u201d \u2014 I\u2019ve been working very hard with Dana and the \u201clearned optimism\u201d ideas, with the naturopath and the health program.\u00a0 <\/span>Even working on the 3-D puzzle is an effort to give myself an activity where I can experience some form of mastery.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWorthless\u201d \u2014 well, I can\u2019t dispute that.\u00a0 <\/span>But I can ask by what set of values am I judging my \u201cworth.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Then it becomes apparent that these values are commercial, I am \u201cworthless\u201d because I don\u2019t currently do anything to make money.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I have to laugh, because by materialistic values, I\u2019m not \u201cworthless\u201d at all \u2014 Dana and I are probably worth about a million dollars at this point.\u00a0 <\/span>And a half a million in trusts still to come.\u00a0 <\/span>So even by commercial values I am not worthless.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Comment from the present: The truth is I saw myself as “worthless” not because I didn’t have a job, but because I wasn’t contributing to any community. Oddly, I don’t mention Journey Into Courage<\/a>, or Neskaya<\/a>, both of which are actual contributions to a larger community. It’s possible that my depression, which is pretty bad, is made worse by the fact that Bess has made a video of Journey, and we will no longer be doing performances<\/a>. I don’t realize that until we have the premiere of the movie<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for January 1, 1996 I\u2019ve never felt less like a new year.\u00a0 All the hoorah that people make, the parties, Times Square, etc seems so silly, so feeble.\u00a0 People going through the motions of newness (new year\u2019s … Continue reading