(Written in October 2003)
\n\tI\u2019m feeling so discouraged and defeated. I see how, when I was feeling better in the summer, I did the COA black & white thing \u201cI\u2019m all better now.\u201d And so I immediately wanted to widen my life \u2014 to take workshops in counseling techniques etc \u2014 so I piled more stuff on myself as well as trying to get off the medication. I see now how foolish that was \u2014 I\u2019ve lost ground so badly \u2014 I\u2019m back in the place where it\u2019s too hard just to get up in the morning, just to keep up the normal schedule here at Neskaya. I\u2019m very angry at myself for being so stupid. And I\u2019m very disappointed because somewhere in me I want to have that wider life \u2014 to go to Jalaja\u2019s workshop, the Windhorse training, visit Bobbi on Cape Cod. I can see better the cycle that Karen talked about, how when I\u2019m in an upswing I pile on more & more instead of building in time for the down cycle and so I crash instead of coming down gently.
\n\tSo discouraged. But at least I don\u2019t feel as lost as I did yesterday. I didn\u2019t do anything to try to bring myself out of it. I started the music for \u201cTurning Toward the Morning\u201d and did the dance to express my bleakness \u2014 but it helped. I look at my painting of the dancer that appeared when I surrendered to disappointment. That\u2019s the sort of transformation that Greenspan talks about. I suppose if one could get skilled at allowing these emotions to move, it would not be so upsetting that they keep coming back again and again. I imagine\/hope that I can be completely free of them \u2014 that\u2019s what I thought last summer \u2014 Dave tried to warn me, but of course in the up place the downs don\u2019t look like a big deal. Somehow I have to find a balance \u2014 enough little joys every day to strengthen me for the inevitable losses and disappointments.
\n\tOK. I don\u2019t want to move and I need to go on with my day. There there Jenny, what you are doing is very hard. Courage my dear.<\/p>\n
\tBreakfast, wash dishes, water plants, dance to Shoror. My heart aches so that it\u2019s very hard to keep doing things, but now that I\u2019ve stopped I\u2019m feeling the fear again. There\u2019s no place to rest, no place safe to be. It\u2019s a beautiful day out there, autumn gold \u2014 intensified by mist earlier, and it doesn\u2019t touch me, doesn\u2019t lift my heart. I feel so bleak and dark inside, and I so love the beauty of the world and grieve that I\u2019m unable to celebrate it.<\/p>\n
\tDear Spirits, I\u2019m pretty bummed out. Please help me. (Written in October 2003) I\u2019m feeling so discouraged and defeated. I see how, when I was feeling better in the summer, I did the COA black & white thing \u201cI\u2019m all better now.\u201d And so I immediately wanted to widen … Continue reading
\nDear Jenny, we think you should raise your meds back to 100. This is being altogether too hard for you. Medication is neither good nor bad, it is a way you can support yourself when other kinds of support aren\u2019t available. There is no support for you in the culture and too much pressure in the opposite direction, not to mention all the COA stuff: judging yourself without mercy, making things too black and white, etc. Yes, if you lived in a therapeutic\/spiritual community you might be able to get by on less medication, but that\u2019s not a realistic option for you right now. Yes, go ahead and call the doctor.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"