(Written in October 2003)
\n\tYesterday evening was pretty good. I felt quiet & peaceful & tired. Made supper, enjoyed the sunset, read and washed dishes. That\u2019s how I\u2019d like my life to be. Woke OK this morning but then hot flash and fear which faded. Sat up & did the forward bend. Still some edges of fear \u2014 lay down again & tried to bring compassion to my discomfort but couldn\u2019t really feel it. Alas I seem to have beginners\u2019 luck with these things. They work brilliantly the first time & then don\u2019t work again. I guess I must have some expectation for how it\u2019s \u201csupposed to be\u201d. I wish I could wake up in the morning feeling comfortable and then get up because I want to instead of making myself get up because it\u2019s become too uncomfortable to stay in bed.
\n\tI don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to get through this day. Maybe I should do an \u201cashram day\u201d \u2014 meditation, reading\/writing, housework. There are a lot of little nibbitchy things that need to be done that would fit in just fine.
\n\tNeighbor dog barking. Bring compassion to poor Jenny whose nervous system reacts badly. There, there, dear, you are not in charge of how you react, only in what you do with it. There, there, dear, it\u2019s painful to be so sensitive.<\/p>\n
\tFeeling so sad about the state of our planet \u2014 the enormous numbers who are suffering from war, famine, refugees, and all the animals & plants that we are destroying in our greed and ignorance. I can feel how much I love the earth and how sad I am because of all the suffering. I need us to be acknowledging our interdependence, and cooperating for the greater good of all of us. I had a strong sense of oneness \u2014 how what we do do the creatures we do to ourselves. I have a feeling of carrying the planet \u2014 our desperately wounded planet \u2014 in my heart. I\u2019m staying with the sadness as best I can while going on with the housework. I feel the fear that just staying with it, and not doing anything to change it, means I\u2019ll stay stuck in the sadness. Bring compassion to that fear.<\/p>\n
\tFeeling pretty bummed out. Can\u2019t tell any more if I\u2019m sincerely staying with my pain about the world or if I\u2019ve just got lost in my own misery. Bring compassion to the misery, bring compassion to the sadness. There, there, Jenny, you\u2019ve been frightened and sad this morning, easily upset… And the phone rang, and it was Kayla. I told her what was going on for me and she gave me a quote from Pema Chodron: \u201cThe problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself.\u201d
\n\tPaid all the bills. Got in trouble trying to reconcile the account in the computer \u2014 failed to check off one deposit \u2014 didn\u2019t see how to go back and change it. Burst into tears and I continue to feel upset. I think I must be very angry at myself \u2014 first for making the mistake and then for letting it upset me so much. I tried reading Pema Chodron (Things Fall Apart) but it didn\u2019t help. Just another assignment that I\u2019m failing at. She talks about seeing ourselves with both clarity and kindness \u2014 and I think I\u2019m doing that and it\u2019s hard work and it doesn\u2019t make me feel any better. I want to feel better. I want to be a different kind of person. I want to be able to live in the moment \u2014\u2014
\n\tActually, I\u2019m not looking at myself with clarity \u2014 I\u2019m too caught up in how awful I am and how painful it is to be me. I feel like I\u2019m just grinding myself down, and I don\u2019t know how to stop it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in October 2003) Yesterday evening was pretty good. I felt quiet & peaceful & tired. Made supper, enjoyed the sunset, read and washed dishes. That\u2019s how I\u2019d like my life to be. Woke OK this morning but then hot … Continue reading