Written in writing group on Monday, November 20:<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t know what to say. where to begin.\u00a0 <\/span>Standing at the door, looking out at the rain.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s been raining for days.\u00a0 <\/span>All the people are dead except me.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t understand what happened.\u00a0 <\/span>The river has been high with all this rain.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes I see branches, or even tree trunks floating down.\u00a0… \u00a0<\/span>I wish there was someone to talk to.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe I could walk.\u00a0 <\/span>I do have a raincoat and an umbrella.\u00a0 <\/span>I could walk down alongside the river.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember when there were flowers.\u00a0 <\/span>They were really pretty with bright colors.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder what happened to them. …\u00a0 T<\/span>he rain is tapering off.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s good.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder if I\u2019ll see the sun.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe I\u2019ll find something to eat.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t had anything to eat for days.\u00a0 <\/span>But I don\u2019t feel hungry.\u00a0 <\/span>At least the river is here, so I have plenty of water. …\u00a0 <\/span>It did stop raining, but it\u2019s still cloudy.\u00a0 <\/span>The prairie stretches flat in every direction.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t see any trees or hills, just grass beaten down by the rain. …\u00a0 <\/span>When it got dark I lay down by the river.\u00a0 <\/span>The gentle sound it makes as it moves through the rocks is soothing.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t see any stars. …\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I knew a prayer or a poem or something I could say to myself that would be comforting. …\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s light now.\u00a0 <\/span>The sun must be up.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s too cloudy to see.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder if I\u2019ll ever find any more people. …\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m tired.\u00a0 <\/span>Nothing is changing.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not getting anywhere.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe I\u2019ll just sit for a while.\u00a0 <\/span>What\u2019s the point of going on?\u00a0 <\/span>… \u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s three days later.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m still walking downstream.\u00a0 <\/span>I see something further down, maybe some buildings. …\u00a0 <\/span>But now I see that they are old houses, falling apart, falling down.\u00a0 <\/span>The people must have gone away.\u00a0 <\/span>I look through one of the houses.\u00a0 <\/span>There are paintings on the wall.\u00a0 <\/span>I find a kitchen with a stove, but there\u2019s no food.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder what happened.\u00a0 <\/span>I poke around.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s furniture and books, but I don\u2019t see any clothing.\u00a0 <\/span>I open a book, but can\u2019t read the language.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder if I\u2019ll ever find out what happened. …\u00a0 <\/span>I go on down the river.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I think this describes very well what a baby might feel when it is left alone, what I felt when I was left alone. Except of course a baby doesn’t have any words. This may be how my mother felt as a child, I don’t suppose Granny was there for her any more than she was there for me. I can see how feelings like this could lead someone to drink. On the other hand, I can see how one could experience this without much emotion at all, just casually walking through the emptiness. Writing it, and then when I woke up this morning, I felt utterly desolate, abandoned by life. I finally had to very fiercely say to myself “I don’t believe that grey empty world is reality. \u00a0It’s just a painful place I get stuck in, probably connected to things that happened when I was a baby.”<\/p>\n
I reach out to comfort baby Jenny, to comfort Mom, and then to everybody who is feeling like this. “There, there, dear. \u00a0It’s a terrible place to be. \u00a0It’s not real, it’s just how you feel when you’ve been alone too much. \u00a0Human beings were meant to be in community.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Written in writing group on Monday, November 20: Don\u2019t know what to say. where to begin.\u00a0 Standing at the door, looking out at the rain.\u00a0 It\u2019s been raining for days.\u00a0 All the people are dead except me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand … Continue reading