(Written in October 2003)
\nWhat I am feeling is despair. I feel \u201clike\u201d my life has been wasted in a meaningless struggle, etc. But that\u2019s a thought. What am I feeling in my body? Ache and heaviness of heart, weakness of limbs, nausea in stomach. I\u2019m afraid that I can\u2019t take care of myself \u2014 but I do know where the next meal is coming from, it\u2019s heating on the stove. Gosh \u2014 I haven\u2019t a clue how to work with this.
\nI\u2019m scared because the current political situation looks so huge and hopeless. It\u2019s worse than a war, it\u2019s a war of the rich and powerful on the poor and helpless \u2014 everything worthwhile is disintegrating \u2014 \u201cresource wars\u201d \u2014 no sense of community \u2014 our circle dance community is over-extended, etc. I feel like a small person trying to keep a small candle alight in a huge and windy darkness. Is it worth holding on to the candle? Yes of course. And the huge windy darkness is also spirit. The current political horror show is just a design on the hem of the robe of god. Am I wrong to try to alleviate suffering in the people closest to me, and to acknowledge that there\u2019s not much I can do to affect the big picture? NO. I\u2019m doing the best I can and that\u2019s enough. The rest is on the lap of the gods. There\u2019s no guarantee of success on the material plane. Therefore the battle, and the victory, occur in the spiritual realm. My efforts to bring compassion to my despair, just the continuing effort, is itself victory. \u201cThe world is always turning toward the morning.\u201d There. I feel strengthened.<\/p>\n
I realize I\u2019m angry at myself for \u201clying around doing nothing\u201d, for not being able to \u201cpush past\u201d the nausea and weakness. OK, can I bring compassion to my misery and anger? This poor woman \u2014 she\u2019s feeling sick, for god\u2019s sake, and the dog has been sick and she\u2019s worried about her, and tired from two days of driving and a weekend deep in the Pit. I was going to let myself \u201cconvalesce\u201d today \u2014 thinking that I\u2019ve done enough \u2014 but I thought I\u2019d be comfortable resting. Instead I\u2019m giving myself a bad time. I love the natural world, and I want to enjoy it and it\u2019s very painful to be unable to.
\nToo much analysis, too much left-brain, too much trying to figure it out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in October 2003) What I am feeling is despair. I feel \u201clike\u201d my life has been wasted in a meaningless struggle, etc. But that\u2019s a thought. What am I feeling in my body? Ache and heaviness of heart, weakness … Continue reading