November 24, 1995<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sitting outside the Dojo in Montpelier while Dana teaches class.\u00a0 <\/span>I came with him because I wanted to go to the Psychodrama performance \u201cSurviving through the Night.\u201d\u00a0 S<\/span>omeone gave me the flyer when we had the Journey showing in Woodstock and I really wanted to check them out and support them.\u00a0 <\/span>It was supposed to be at \u201cSpaulding Auditorium\u201d in Barre, but I couldn\u2019t find it.\u00a0 <\/span>…\u00a0 <\/span>[I kept trying, going around the same roads and turns without luck, finally I gave up & went back to Montpelier] …\u00a0 <\/span>I found myself\u00a0 <\/span>feeling like Eleanor, wanting to hit myself in the head, wanting to smash myself because I couldn\u2019t find it.\u00a0 <\/span>I found myself explaining in great detail why I couldn\u2019t find it, and saw that I was trying to justify myself to some harsh judge who was saying things like \u201cWhat do you mean you couldn\u2019t find it?\u00a0 <\/span>How can you be so stupid!\u201d etc etc.\u00a0 <\/span>…\u00a0 <\/span>I quit trying, but like Eleanor I\u2019m unable to support my own decision, I immediately start to second-guess myself, I recognize how hungry I am for finding my own people, other people who are using theater to heal from trauma, and I\u2019m really upset that I wasn\u2019t able to find them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Eleanor is my friend who was badly traumatized in her family.<\/p>\n
This reminds me a lot of that time at Kripalu<\/a> when I wasn\u2019t able to bully my way into the folk dance.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel just like I did then, disappointed, upset and vulnerable, and angry at myself for being that way.\u00a0 <\/span>That time it took me several hours of struggling to find my way to a place of compassion for myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Let\u2019s see if I can do it again.<\/p>\n
OK, dear, in the first place, you were very tired as you came over with Dana.\u00a0 <\/span>You weren\u2019t feeling any actual motivation for doing this, you were just doing it because you knew theater is important to you.\u00a0 <\/span>(o damn, I really am disappointed, and I haven\u2019t let myself cry because I\u2019m so angry at myself.)\u00a0 <\/span>Then, when you tried to find the place, the driving was difficult because of the bright lights: it\u2019s very hard for you to see, the directions were inadequate, you simply didn\u2019t have enough information.\u00a0 <\/span>The only thing you could have done differently would have been to go back to the Texaco station and ask the young woman for more specific directions, and by that time you were too upset to overcome your embarrassment, and you would have had to walk in late, and the whole thing was just getting too hard.\u00a0 <\/span>And you were all alone and didn\u2019t have any moral support, and there was a good chance that the event would have been painful and re-stimulating.<\/p>\n
Yes, I know you\u2019re disappointed.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s really painful to come so close to something and then miss it.\u00a0 <\/span>And the truth is that it was just too hard.\u00a0 <\/span>You are just too depressed to fight your way through that many obstacles.\u00a0 <\/span>I bet there were people who wanted to come to Journey Into Courage and missed performances the same way.\u00a0 <\/span>There, there, dear.\u00a0 <\/span>Next time, it would be a good idea to get someone to go with you, and to call for directions first.\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t try to do something so difficult by yourself.<\/p>\n
Well, that does feel a little better.\u00a0 <\/span>What I feel now is enormous sadness and disappointment, but I don\u2019t feel that awful anger.\u00a0 <\/span>The truth is that things are just too difficult right now.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
November 25<\/p>\n
Dana was very comforting to me in my disappointment.\u00a0 <\/span>He didn\u2019t seem to think at all<\/span> that I could have done differently, he understood that it\u2019s just too hard sometimes. …<\/p>\n
He thinks that the major problem that I have is that no matter what I do it\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 <\/span>In my psyche there\u2019s this judgmental presence, that I\u2019m always trying to explain myself to.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t hear its voice, I deduce its presence from my constant whining, justifying, explaining how it is that I\u2019ve done the best I could \u2014 I said I\u2019m expecting an inquisition.\u00a0 <\/span>(Dana of course responded \u201cNo one expects the Spanish Inquisition<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>Our chief weapons…\u201d)\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t hear the voice of the judge until I stop and call it up, but I do feel the presence of the judge.\u00a0 <\/span>Dana said he senses someone with folded arms, tapping their foot.\u00a0 <\/span>And there I am, desperately explaining the extenuating circumstances, hoping for a kind word, but there is no \u201ckind word\u201d in my psychic ammunition.\u00a0 <\/span>I suspect the best I ever got in my childhood was \u201cOK, but don\u2019t do it again.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I probably never heard \u201cThere, there, dear, it\u2019s OK.\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re forgiven.\u00a0 <\/span>We love you anyway.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I wrote about Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest in a blog post in 2011<\/a>, don\u2019t know when that happened. That’s when I understood that Mother never forgave me for anything. There was no way I could make amends, there was nothing I could do except make it not have happened at all. Only recently did I find something that helped me<\/a> understand how damaging that was.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
November 24, 1995 I\u2019m sitting outside the Dojo in Montpelier while Dana teaches class.\u00a0 I came with him because I wanted to go to the Psychodrama performance \u201cSurviving through the Night.\u201d\u00a0 Someone gave me the flyer when we had the … Continue reading