From my journal for November 30, 1995<\/p>\n
Eleanor said yesterday that she could feel me \u201cholding the space\u201d at Hart\u2019s and she thanked me for the amount of energy I was pouring out in her direction.\u00a0 <\/span>It surprised me, because I was not consciously aware of any such thing.\u00a0 <\/span>But I remember how the people at Upcountry Arts said the meetings were really different when I was there, and also how body workers would comment on my ability to move energy that I couldn\u2019t feel.\u00a0 <\/span>What I see is that it happens automatically in the case of Eleanor.\u00a0 <\/span>Since I\u2019m not aware of doing it, I don\u2019t know that I am<\/span> doing it, and can get easily drained.\u00a0 <\/span>Also, because it\u2019s not a conscious action, I don\u2019t know how to stop doing it.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that I have felt badly lately because I haven\u2019t been able to \u201cbe there\u201d for Eleanor (and that reminds me of Alice saying she tried to \u201cbe there\u201d for a friend the way I was for her and couldn\u2019t do it) because I\u2019ve been focussed on my depression.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe depression functions to shut me down when I\u2019ve given away too much of myself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Hart is a Naturopath Practitioner, and I took Eleanor there, probably also paid for it.<\/p>\n
And so now I wonder, since I do this thing so automatically without realizing it, and without \u201cdoing anything,\u201d holding the space for Eleanor and Beverly, listening to Alice and Lucy (who says she feels much better after spending time with me) and making circle dance work \u2014\u00a0 <\/span>Since these things seem to be a result of my presence, without any conscious effort on my part (though it is<\/span> an effort at some level, I know by how drained I become) perhaps this is \u201cwho I really am\u201d \u2014 if those words have any meaning.\u00a0 <\/span>I can see that if this is the result of me just being myself and not trying to do anything special, then that\u2019s how, \u201cjust as I am,\u201d I could be a gift to the universe.<\/p>\n
Just as I am, I am a gift to the universe, the quality of attention, of presence<\/span>, is the gift, not anything I do<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>How amazing!\u00a0 <\/span>Perhaps the depression is grinding away the ego so that the Presence of God can come through.\u00a0 <\/span>Could I be present in this way for myself?\u00a0 <\/span>Because this is where\/ how \u2014 the only place \u2014 I can find God.<\/p>\n
For reasons I don\u2019t understand I\u2019m feeling a lot of terror.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It’s amazing that I couldn’t see that of course I would feel terror after announcing that I was a good person, doing good in the world. Talk about “thinking I’m so great.”<\/p>\n
From my journal for the present,\u00a0Sunday, October 8, 2023<\/p>\n
Dear Inner Teacher, I desperately need some help.\u00a0 <\/span>I spend all my energy taking care of myself and what\u2019s the point?\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s nothing I do that\u2019s worth staying alive for.<\/p>\n
Inner Teacher:\u00a0 <\/span>I remind you of people telling you you hold them in your energy field.\u00a0 <\/span>This is something you do without being aware that you are doing it.\u00a0 <\/span>The only time you\u2019ve been aware of it is when you say \u201cMay my presence be a blessing\u201d and feel the energy flow through you<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019ve been channelling this divine energy all your life.\u00a0 <\/span>Remember when you sent your energy into your foot \u2014 you didn\u2019t feel anything, but the body worker did.\u00a0 <\/span>This is the source of the glow that people see.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s attractive to some people and scary to others.\u00a0 <\/span>It was scary to your mother which is why she said \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>You are doing good work for the world you love, that\u2019s reason enough to do the hard work to keep yourself functioning.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I find this so hard to believe. \u00a0Inner Teacher keeps saying these kinds of things, and I have great respect for him, but believing that I might be a good person, doing good for the world? \u00a0Then there’s the embarrassment of posting this piece saying that I do good without knowing it. But that’s “thinking I’m so great.” What a tangle.<\/p>\n
On further thought, I see that “I” am not doing anything but opening myself to be a channel for divine energy. \u00a0It’s not “me” that I think is great, it’s the energy. Sometimes I’m amazed that the energy is willing to come through such a miserable failure as myself. \u00a0Then I wonder if feeling like a miserable failure is what hollows me out to be a channel. Well, it doesn’t matter. I can feel the energy when I say “May my presence be a blessing,” and I’m grateful for that much certainty.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for November 30, 1995 Eleanor said yesterday that she could feel me \u201cholding the space\u201d at Hart\u2019s and she thanked me for the amount of energy I was pouring out in her direction.\u00a0 It surprised me, because … Continue reading