{"id":799,"date":"2010-10-17T08:46:31","date_gmt":"2010-10-17T12:46:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=799"},"modified":"2010-10-18T07:52:20","modified_gmt":"2010-10-18T11:52:20","slug":"799","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=799","title":{"rendered":"“Should” and Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"

\tReading from my journal from June 2010 I see how I create misery for myself by a convoluted and distorted thinking process, and my inability to trust my own goodness. My heart just went out to me, lots of compassion for this person who creates her own misery and doesn\u2019t know how to stop it. And she works so hard<\/em> to heal. There, there, dear. I put my arms around her and we cry on each other\u2019s shoulders.
\n\tThe entry that brought up these feelings is from June 26, 2010. My father\u2019s birthday. I talk about how thinking that I \u201cshould\u201d do something really wrecks it. Like \u201cI should fill the hummingbird feeder.\u201d But the truth is it\u2019s not a \u201dshould.\u201d Who \/what is telling me I \u201cshould\u201d? I WANT to fill the feeder, because I enjoy the hummingbirds, but I don\u2019t have the energy. When I have the energy I just do it and don\u2019t get into conflict about it. I think if it\u2019s something I really want to do, and I really don\u2019t have the energy, instead of bringing compassion to myself for being in this painful place of wanting to do something and not having the energy, I make myself wrong for not having energy, and pull out \u201cshould\u201d to force\/manipulate myself to do the things. Well of course that makes me feel bad. This also makes me think of Mother\u2019s \u201cdon\u2019t care\u201d by which she meant \u201cyou don\u2019t care about me so you won\u2019t do the things I want you to do.\u201d Mother never understood that it was possible to care about someone and yet have good reasons for not doing something they want you to. I remember telling Dana he \u201cdidn\u2019t care about me\u201d when he wouldn\u2019t do something for me. He got angry and said \u201cI do so<\/em> care about you, I just can\u2019t (or don\u2019t want to) do the item.\u201d This made me see that there was a big distinction here. I still do it to myself, I still make myself wrong for not doing something for someone I care about. (It happens automatically, I don’t consciously do it, and have to deduce from my feelings that I’m making myself wrong.) But there was another time when I wanted to do something and didn\u2019t have the energy, and Dana said \u201cYou don\u2019t really want to.\u201d That was painfully invalidating for me and helped keep the dynamic going. I think I wasn\u2019t able to begin to drop it until I was diagnosed with low thyroid (something it took an alternate practitioner to find.) Now when my energy is low, I can remind myself that I\u2019m dealing with depression and immobilizing fear rooted in PTSD, and my thyroid is underactive, and I can forgive myself.
\nAlternate practitioner Kurt Vreeland<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Reading from my journal from June 2010 I see how I create misery for myself by a convoluted and distorted thinking process, and my inability to trust my own goodness. My heart just went out to me, lots of compassion … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,5,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-healing","category-journal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=799"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}