(Written in June 2010)
\n\tDidn\u2019t even have energy to write so I crawled back in bed. Had one wave of fear but I met it with acceptance and compassion and it faded. I think I did sleep for a while. I\u2019ve been reading Byron Katie and wondering if it\u2019s worth trying her process. The trouble is I think most of my stress and pain comes from the underlying physiology of post traumatic stress. It\u2019s not cognitive at all.
\n\tThe prayer from the Grandmothers about the Net of Light is sitting in front of me. I feel uncomfortable about it, and I used to feel good \u2014 I think because when I was first reading it, I could feel the things happen as I read them, and I felt I was doing something real to help in the Gulf. So what\u2019s the underlying belief? What I do is useless. Can I absolutely know that\u2019s true? No. Its usefulness does not depend on my feelings of accomplishment. Even when I don\u2019t feel effective, reading the prayer is valuable for its intention. How do I feel when I think that thought? Actually, I don\u2019t think that thought, I look at the text of the prayer and feel a weight dragging me down and a pain in my heart. What\u2019s happening is I think that I \u201cshould\u201d read it and that makes the energy go all cramped. Before, I didn\u2019t think I just did it. I think it\u2019s the idea that I \u201cshould\u201d that causes the discomfort. It\u2019s like I told Bobbi \u2014 if you\u2019re not feeling good about the meditations, just don\u2019t do them. And I\u2019ve seen that a lot of the pain and difficulty with the garden is forcing myself to go out and do something because I \u201cshould\u201d. Is it really OK for me not to do things that I think I should?
\nTry Byron Katie’s four questions. It\u2019s not OK to not do things I should do. Is it true? I don\u2019t know. Can I absolutely know that it\u2019s true? No. \u201cIt\u2019s not OK to not do things I should do.\u201d How does that make me feel? Confused. It makes my heart hurt not to do things I\u2019d like to have done \u2014 or like to be able to do \u2014 like work in the garden. I feel like I\u2019m a bad person when I refuse to do things like refill the hummingbird feeder. The first time I saw the bird I rushed out to do it. Today I saw it come, look at the feeder and fly away, and I just felt discouraged, too discouraged to do anything about it.<\/p>\n
Reading in Resource I found: \u201cthinking about what Guidance has said over & over:
\nSLOW DOWN: nothing is more important than my welfare
\nYOU ARE LOVED: thoroughly and completely
\nPHYSICAL RESULTS ARE NOT IMPORTANT
\nSUPPORT YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE PRESENT
\nBREATHE, RELAX, YOU\u2019RE DOING FINE<\/p>\n
\tI told Lynelle I was struggling with \u201cshoulds\u201d, struggling with feeling I \u201cshould\u201d fill the hummingbird feeder and I just can\u2019t. She said she never feels that, she suggested I might miss the hummingbirds, which is true and brought tears.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in June 2010) Didn\u2019t even have energy to write so I crawled back in bed. Had one wave of fear but I met it with acceptance and compassion and it faded. I think I did sleep for a while. … Continue reading