This material is some of the first I typed up from the handwritten journals after September 15 when I stopped typing them. I’m not typing everything, just pieces I think would make good blog posts.<\/p>\n
After the Video of Journey Into Courage<\/a> was made, Bess arranged for a premiere of the Video<\/a> in Burlington. A couple of reporters called to interview me.<\/p>\n September 25, 1995<\/p>\n Susan Kelly called from the Burlington Free Press and we talked for half an hour.\u00a0 <\/span>I could hear her typing madly while I talked.\u00a0 <\/span>She sounded very excited about the things I said, so I hope a lot of it shows up in the final article.\u00a0 <\/span>It was interesting that the talk with Deb McIlwaine, wanting information for the local paper, warmed me up so certain verbalizations were ready to hand: \u201cI had all the advantages, but my parents’ alcoholism sabotaged my ability to make use of them.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I had the same sense as after the videotaped interview<\/a>, of having been heard, of someone really being interested in what I had to say and paying close attention, and finding that in that accepting and supportive atmosphere I\u2019m able to speak powerfully and passionately and intelligently.\u00a0 <\/span>That feels so satisfying, to speak my truth and speak it well, and have it be heard.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n That “accepting and supportive atmosphere” is exactly what I didn’t have at home. My parents were not at all interested in hearing me speak my truth, they invalidated me and turned away. At the time of Journey, I thought my inability to have sex was because I had been sexually abused, and didn’t know it was due to being traumatized. See script for Journey<\/a>.<\/p>\n Jacqueline Winspear<\/a> says of soldiers traumatized during World War I that they would injure themselves as if to make visible the wounds to their souls. Understanding that I was traumatized let me know that I cut myself because I felt that no one could see my pain, or listen to my pain and therefore it was invisible.<\/p>\n September 27, 1995<\/p>\n Lynelle watched the Journey Video with Daria and had some interesting (and heartening) feedback.\u00a0 <\/span>She said she thought it was very good.\u00a0 <\/span>She had a hard time with Tonya\u2019s description of a flashback of oral abuse, and Brenda\u2019s tale of the \u201cElderberry Huts\u201d which is really creepy.\u00a0 <\/span>She said she thought I was the person she would most like to talk to, that I seemed to have more vitality, my voice was very vibrant.\u00a0 <\/span>She said that I and Tonya, and possibly Ann, seemed to be connected to something deeper, that the others weren\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>The reporter said I was the one she<\/span> most wanted to talk to as well, which makes me feel much<\/span> more comfortable about being present while others see the video \u2014 I have been feeling very embarrassed about how ugly I am and imagining that people would be put off.\u00a0 <\/span>I will try to watch myself with more objectivity and see if I can see what Lynelle is talking about.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Going back and reading this is so strange. I realized that I got all this good feedback, but simply wasn’t able to integrate it. Now, when Erica or Elizabeth says they hear a special energy in my voice, I notice the comment and realize that I’m unaware of what they are talking about. It seems like the person other people see and the person I experience myself to be are completely different.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This material is some of the first I typed up from the handwritten journals after September 15 when I stopped typing them. I’m not typing everything, just pieces I think would make good blog posts. After the Video of Journey … Continue reading