from my journal for Thursday, June 22<\/p>\n
Dear Inner Teacher, I desperately need some help.<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny, you are so hard on yourself.\u00a0 <\/span>You are harder on yourself than you are on anyone else.\u00a0 <\/span>And you judge yourself without mercy.\u00a0 <\/span>This is why it\u2019s hard for you to feel the mercy of god.\u00a0 <\/span>Dear Jenny, you have some wonderful strengths and talents, and many deep wounds.\u00a0 <\/span>You have done an enormous amount of work in your life, trying to heal, struggling to use your talents despite severe wounds.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, we spirits gather round you, we love you and admire you for the work you have done.\u00a0 <\/span>We also have tremendous compassion for your struggle.\u00a0 <\/span>You need to find some compassion for yourself.<\/p>\n Thank You. \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I remember how I always have compassion for people who are having a hard time.\u00a0 <\/span>But it\u2019s so hard to do it for myself.\u00a0 <\/span>I have a sense that my life has been one long battle between the fierce one who wants to use her talents, and the wounded one who just wants to rest and do nothing.<\/p>\n 3rd cup. coffee. \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>So walking Mocha, I tried to have a dialogue between our different ideas of where to go.\u00a0 <\/span>And I tried to have a non-verbal conversation between the wounded one and the feisty one.<\/p>\n Feeling confused and overwhelmed.\u00a0 <\/span>Let\u2019s try a dialogue:<\/p>\n Wounded jenny:\u00a0 <\/span>I am just too tired to try to give the gabapentin to Mocha, and I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s a good idea.\u00a0 <\/span>I need to talk to Dr. Fisher.<\/p>\n Feisty jenny:\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re too tired?<\/p>\n W: actually I\u2019m feeling scared and clumsy.\u00a0 <\/span>Afraid I\u2019ll do it wrong.<\/p>\n F: it can\u2019t be that hard.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not like giving a shot.<\/p>\n W:\u00a0 <\/span>I think what I need is validation not advice.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>oh! right.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not really good at that.\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re feeling clumsy?<\/p>\n W: yeah.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel shaky and weak.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes it comes on when I walk Mocha.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>It sounds like a tangle, hard to unravel the threads.\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder if I\u2019ve just bullied you through in the past.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember when Erica was upset that you went to see Kendal alone<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>She thought you should have had support.<\/p>\n W: I don\u2019t remember even being consulted about that one.\u00a0 <\/span>I must have been dissociated.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>I have to remember you do that.\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re not in charge, you\u2019re triggered.<\/p>\n W:\u00a0 <\/span>that\u2019s right.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s one of the effects of trauma.<\/p>\n I remember when I got scared writing big checks for the construction of Neskaya.\u00a0 <\/span>I sat myself down and reminded myself that I really do want Neskaya to happen.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I could make myself write the check even tho scared.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>so don\u2019t you really want to show Sacred Sites<\/a>?<\/p>\n W:\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll make a mistake.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve already made a couple of mistakes this morning.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>disastrous ones?<\/p>\n W:\u00a0 <\/span>Well \u2014 not really.<\/p>\n F:\u00a0 <\/span>I think you\u2019re much too hard on yourself.<\/p>\n W:\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re a fine one to say that to me!<\/p>\n F: You have a point.\u00a0 <\/span>But my criticisms are not that you\u2019ve made a mistake, but that you haven\u2019t stood up for yourself.\u00a0 <\/span>I can see that anger doesn\u2019t work so well with you, encouragement is better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" from my journal for Thursday, June 22 Dear Inner Teacher, I desperately need some help. Dear Jenny, you are so hard on yourself.\u00a0 You are harder on yourself than you are on anyone else.\u00a0 And you judge yourself without mercy.\u00a0 … Continue reading