From my journal for Monday, June 19<\/p>\n
I tried to talk to the part that\u2019s making me so scared.\u00a0 <\/span>I got little bits of dialogue before I actually sat down to write it.<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 <\/span>how old are you?<\/p>\n Part:\u00a0 <\/span>Twelve<\/p>\n Me: why are you angry at me?<\/p>\n Part:\u00a0 <\/span>Because Daddy kept coming in at night and feeling my breasts, and it took you so long to do anything.<\/p>\n Me: yes, I remember one time \u201cO no not this again,\u201d and I groaned and turned over and he left and never came back again.\u00a0 <\/span>So he did it lots of times?<\/p>\n Part:\u00a0 <\/span>YES<\/p>\n Me: I think I must have dissociated, like I disappeared the nasty things<\/a> mother said to me.\u00a0 <\/span>I am sorry.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t mean to make you experience it.\u00a0 <\/span>Did you experience what Mom did?<\/p>\n Part: She never touched me.<\/p>\n Me: so maybe another part took care of those.\u00a0Well, you have a right to be angry.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t remember feeling angry, I remember thinking\u00a0<\/span>that I was not good\/attractive enough for any men better than the sleaziest.<\/p>\n Part: yes and I was angry at you for that. You kept on believing you are unattractive.<\/p>\n Me: so why are you making me scared now when I\u2019m trying to take care of Mocha, and wanting to hand my life over to God?<\/p>\n Part: God? God\u2019s just like Daddy.<\/p>\n Me: Yes, that\u2019s just what I felt as a kid.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I stopped believing in god.<\/p>\n That was as far as I got on Monday. \u00a0Something about the part felt familiar to me. \u00a0Her feisty energy. \u00a0I realized I had seen something like that recently. In the most recent post, there was a link to the Torah of Jenny<\/a>. In it, I talk about\u00a0a “fierce feisty part of me.” “Angry, spunky, outrageous.” “Whoever that feisty little person inside is, she knows what she wants to say.” Work on the Torah was “really freeing up that rebellious, obnoxious, feisty energy.” I realize that I need her now. \u00a0She may be angry at me, but she’s angry on my behalf, for not standing up for myself, for failing to value myself. \u00a0I’ve been hoping to give my audio-visual presentation, Sacred Sites of Ancient Keltia<\/a>, to the community here at a Kendal, but I’ve somehow lost my confidence. I need the feisty one to give me a boost of energy. I did it when I was first here, enjoyed doing it, it was well received. \u00a0So it’s odd that I’ve lost my confidence.<\/p>\n The description of the one who is dealing with not being forgiven resonates with this situation. Losing my confidence in my ability to present something that I have done well and enjoyed many times, sounds a lot like the description of the effects on a person of not being forgiven: “recrimination, isolation, and shame.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" From my journal for Monday, June 19 I tried to talk to the part that\u2019s making me so scared.\u00a0 I got little bits of dialogue before I actually sat down to write it. Me:\u00a0 how old are you? Part:\u00a0 Twelve … Continue reading