Written in writing group last night:<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been so confused.\u00a0 <\/span>Feeling miserable.\u00a0 <\/span>Can\u2019t identify feelings.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been at cross-purposes with Mocha.\u00a0 <\/span>I wanted to go over to Rivercrest and she did her thing of crouching and pulling back.\u00a0 <\/span>So we went around Scattergood.\u00a0 <\/span>Mostly I just let her go where she wanted to go.\u00a0 <\/span>But sometimes I need to go in a particular direction.\u00a0 <\/span>I hate having to fight with her about it.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t like feeling angry with her and I don\u2019t know what to do about it.<\/p>\n
I went out this morning to go by the Vet\u2019s to get her weighed \u2014 alas she\u2019s still 16.4 lbs which is heavy and I know she thinks I\u2019m not giving her enough.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I went down to West Lebanon Feed & Supply.\u00a0 <\/span>Elizabeth\u2019s friend, the homeopathic Vet, recommended some frozen food that\u2019s very healthy and online it said Lebanon Feed carried it.\u00a0 <\/span>But it turns out they have to special order it.\u00a0 <\/span>So I ordered 2 3-pound bags.\u00a0 <\/span>But the whole morning I felt scared.\u00a0 <\/span>I even felt really strange when I got back to my apartment it didn\u2019t seem familiar.\u00a0 <\/span>Elizabeth\u2019s friend Cecille recommended a lot of things and I wrote them down and went looking for things online.\u00a0 <\/span>One part of me wanted to do everything I can for Mocha, but another part of me was afraid I\u2019m simply too tired to do much.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve had a lot of odd thoughts running through my mind, and songs, things like Mrs Robinson<\/a>, there was another one.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep trying to change them to the metta<\/a> prayer, may all beings be held in lovingkindness, may I be held…, may Mocha be held… , may all beings be held…\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes I can hold on to it for a long time.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes I lose it and it\u2019s back to \u201c… in the pantry with your cupcakes…\u00a0 <\/span>any way you look at it you lose.\u201d \u00a0 <\/span>and there\u2019s a line about Jesus \u201c… Jesus loves you more than you will know…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I wondered if that was the message I was trying to give myself.<\/p>\n
Reading Cynthia Bourgeault\u2019s The Wisdom Way of Knowing<\/a> and realizing why circle dance helped so much and what a loss it is that I don\u2019t have it any more.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel so far from Spirit and don\u2019t see any way to connect.\u00a0 <\/span>And then I feel cross again.\u00a0 <\/span>No sense of compassion, peace, calmness, not even relaxation.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep feeling like I am doing everything wrong.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Note: Bourgeault talks about the necessity to to do spiritual practice from three centers: the body, the mind, and the “heart.” I put “heart” in quotes because she gives a different definition. We usually think of the heart in terms of emotions, but she says that the heart is “an organ for the perception of divine purpose and beauty.” p34<\/p>\n
O yes, there\u2019s a possibility that I\u2019ve been taken over by a part<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>I tried to have a conversation with her.\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t know what to do with that either.<\/p>\n
The sun is shining through the leaves of the tree just outside the window.\u00a0 <\/span>The light is coming sideways so there\u2019s a lot of contrast almost a sparkle and a sense of depth seeing through to the trunk of the tree.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s beautiful.\u00a0 <\/span>I take a deep breath and relax.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s such a relief to see\/feel beauty.<\/p>\n
\u201c… hiding in the pantry with your cupcakes.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Written in writing group last night: I\u2019ve been so confused.\u00a0 Feeling miserable.\u00a0 Can\u2019t identify feelings.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been at cross-purposes with Mocha.\u00a0 I wanted to go over to Rivercrest and she did her thing of crouching and pulling back.\u00a0 So we … Continue reading