{"id":7747,"date":"2023-05-29T09:33:55","date_gmt":"2023-05-29T13:33:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7747"},"modified":"2023-05-29T09:33:55","modified_gmt":"2023-05-29T13:33:55","slug":"bombed-out-village-reprise-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7747","title":{"rendered":"“Bombed-out Village,” reprise"},"content":{"rendered":"

Originally posted in November 2018<\/a><\/p>\n

Wednesday, November 21, 2018<\/p>\n

Thinking about talking with Erica about starting to tolerate \u2014 and even enjoy \u2014 the ordinary. For most of my life I was in too much psychic pain, I needed something fairly intense to hold my attention.\u00a0Erica said something about \u201cliving on a battlefield.\u201d Yes, part of me is keyed up, waiting for the next bomb to drop. \u00a0Reminds me of that session with Debbie when I became aware of the bombed-out village.\u00a0The worst of it is that instead of having people around who are also in the bombed out village, so we can comfort and support each other, I am surrounded by people who are oblivious.<\/p>\n

March 17, 1989 Work with Debbie<\/p>\n

I told her about the sadness that I had been feeling, even read part of what I had written (and that sad high voice appeared, with some crying.)\u00a0I also told her what I told a friend, that it felt like being part of a group of refugees leaving their bombed out village, and having to leave behind beside the road those who can\u2019t make it \u2014 no time for mourning or burial, just having to walk on, dry eyed, because of the necessity of survival. Debbie said \u201cThat\u2019s what your life has been, and now you\u2019ve finally got to the place where you can mourn, and you are also sad that it had to be that way.\u201d At first I felt resistance, no my life wasn\u2019t that awful, and then I realized she was right, in the necessity of survival there had been no time or space for mourning my lost innocence, my crippled creativity, and no room for anger about my sabotaged power.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\n

My memory of this session is that I was so confused when I left that I couldn\u2019t remember Debbie\u2019s name. \u00a0So it was a surprise to find that that didn\u2019t happen until six month later. \u00a0Now I understand that it took that long for the understanding to percolate downward and become experience rather than idea.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

September 8, 1989<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

At Beverly\u2019s after \u201cemergency\u201d session with Debbie. Having trouble remembering. Couldn\u2019t remember dream to be able to work with it, it became just a bunch of meaningless words. Images from other dreams perhaps floated through my mind and disappeared. I sat in the ruins of my bombed out house and cried. Still baffled. A fragmented<\/p>\n

September 9, 1989<\/p>\n

\u201cA fragmented session with Debbie\u201d I was going to write when distracted by Beverly\u2026<\/p>\n

The session with Debbie was very confusing. I told her the fragment of the dream, but it didn\u2019t mean anything. Other dream-like fragments floated through my mind, but couldn\u2019t be grasped. I felt the whole time like I was in two places at once, massive sense of deja vu \u2014 haven\u2019t we already talked about this \u2014 then fragments of dreams \u2014 or dream-like fragments \u2014 dreams, memories of the past? \u201cfloating in wide orbits with no center.\u201d When it was time to go I couldn\u2019t remember the date, the year, or Debbie\u2019s name when writing the check. I felt completely disoriented and fragmented and it persisted for a little while at Beverly\u2019s. But I can\u2019t remember what happened in the session well enough to write it down.<\/p>\n

I think what happened was Debbie\u2019s validation of the shift from seeing myself as a monster to seeing that my inner environment is what is monstrous \u2014 something I internalized at a very early age, something that felt a lot like living in a bombed out house. No wonder I had all those dreams of the A-bomb falling on our house, it matched my inner environment. No wonder the planes upset me so much, they remind me that I\u2019m living in a bombed out house, a violated body, an invalidated psyche, and I\u2019ve been trying all my life to pretend that\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

The upset about the planes was my extreme reaction<\/a> to the noise of the small planes towing the gliders out of Franconia Airport. \u00a0I suffered from it for 14 years.<\/p>\n

At this point, in 1989, I had no idea that I had been traumatized, but the experience of the “bombed-out village” certainly suggests trauma. Amazing that as a child I had dreams of the A-Bomb falling on our house. I was three years old when it happened, but I somehow knew that it was some kind of major disaster for all of us.<\/p>\n

“Floating in wide orbits with no center” was an early attempt to describe what happened when I fell apart. Probably in the 60’s when I was in California<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Originally posted in November 2018 Wednesday, November 21, 2018 Thinking about talking with Erica about starting to tolerate \u2014 and even enjoy \u2014 the ordinary. For most of my life I was in too much psychic pain, I needed something … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7747","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7747","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7747"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7747\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7747"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7747"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7747"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}