(Written in April 2008)
\nI wondered if I were to just do writing practice if it would help with the toxicity \u2014 just keep the pen moving.\u00a0 This is the fourth time this month…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A lot of tension in my shoulders & neck and in my stomach.\u00a0 Hard to breathe.\u00a0 What comes up?\u00a0 Frustration.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s causing it and none of the things I know how to do seems to help. …\u00a0 And I haven\u2019t made any art.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 … and nothing to say.\u00a0 But I can feel relaxation happening as I write.\u00a0 Something\u2019s draining out of every cell.\u00a0 Even the breathing is easier.\u00a0\u00a0 …\u00a0 Mind wandering off to people\u2019s affairs \u2014 am I jealous?\u00a0 Not really, I\u2019m glad to be out of the fray.\u00a0 Just reading in old journal 77 or 78 \u2014 \u201cthe sexual history of Jenny the bird\u201d \u2014 what a shambles.\u00a0 How I blamed myself for not being easy & open and then would get angry on my own behalf for allowing men to mistreat me because I believed I didn\u2019t deserve any better.\u00a0 All the longing and the fantasies.<\/p>\n
What would I tell that girl now?\u00a0 That it was not her fault \u2014 that she didn\u2019t get good enough loving in infancy so she was desperate for physical contact \u2014 but she had been traumatized so her body couldn\u2019t relax enough for sex to be easy \u2014 that she never found a man who knew how to be gentle and patient \u2014 and she was molested at age 12 by the father who made it clear that he found her unattractive \u2014 so what kind of message was that?\u00a0 What she learned was that she didn\u2019t deserve to be loved by a good man but only to be the plaything of men who couldn\u2019t get a better woman.\u00a0 God!\u00a0 That\u2019s what I believed about myself for so long.\u00a0 And I have to forgive myself for not having done better in the sexual war zone.\u00a0 I never had a chance, really, never had the luck to find the right man.\u00a0 It\u2019s a bad time to be a woman \u2014 a highly sensitive and very intelligent woman who was also traumatized.\u00a0 Finding an equally sensitive, equally intelligent man who also had the sexual confidence and the skills to help her \u2014 just wasn\u2019t possible.\u00a0 And now I don\u2019t care any more!!\u00a0 Really free at last.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in April 2008) I wondered if I were to just do writing practice if it would help with the toxicity \u2014 just keep the pen moving.\u00a0 This is the fourth time this month…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A lot of tension in my … Continue reading