From my journal for Monday, January 23<\/p>\n
Lying in bed before I got up, I didn\u2019t feel like myself.\u00a0 <\/span>When I got up, I asked myself \u201cWho<\/span> knows I don\u2019t feel like myself?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 and who<\/span> is it who asks?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Written in writing group on\u00a0Monday, February 27<\/p>\n
Well, what to write about.\u00a0 <\/span>The thing I typed up.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t feel like myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Who is it who asks that question?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Today I\u2019ve been feeling very odd.\u00a0 <\/span>A little wobbly but not so much physically as emotionally.\u00a0 <\/span>What kinds of emotions?\u00a0 <\/span>Well now that\u2019s a difficult question. not so much sad or happy as amused, annoyed, then confused, then caught by the color of a cloud \u2014 wanting to write about it but not having subtle enough words so I just kept looking: soft gentle colors of clouds and sky, fading into each other, fading away with almost a gentle, sad, taste ?\u00a0 <\/span>like black raspberry frozen yogurt \u2014\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>then knowing I have to go out and do an errand, pick up a prescription at CVS, there are other things I need to get \u2014\u2014 o but I can\u2019t be bothered to figure that out now, I would get overwhelmed.\u00a0 <\/span>Got there and I had forgotten to wear a mask, there\u2019s a mask in the car but it\u2019s too far to walk back.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Something that’s not clear in this writing is that there is a scared child part who needs to be protected. \u00a0I choose to protect myself from being overwhelmed, but don’t really know why.<\/p>\n
I look out into the night and see windows across the courtyard, one with bright lights, several with much dimmer lights, perhaps behind curtains and trees with bare twigs in front so they look like odd glittery shapes not something recognizable as a window.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I’m looking out the window of the room we’re writing in. \u00a0I did that on another writing night<\/a> about a month before.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s how I feel, lots of pieces, broken up into glitter, unrecognizable as any particular thing.<\/p>\n
I hear a hissing in my ear.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve had it since I got on imipramine 25 years ago about.\u00a0 <\/span>I also stopped remembering my dreams.\u00a0 <\/span>They feel like big losses, silence and dreams.<\/p>\n
What does that mean, I don\u2019t feel like myself?\u00a0 <\/span>Do I feel like myself right now, broken into glittery bits?\u00a0 <\/span>No, it\u2019s myself that recognizes the glittery bits as what? parts of me, all seen from a particular angle, and all held in a large shape which is myself. that feels right.\u00a0 <\/span>Like when I\u2019m feeling very scared and then I stand behind the scared young one and put my hands on her shoulders and tell her it\u2019s OK to be scared, she is still loved.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The “large shape” that holds my parts is “myself.” \u00a0Somehow that seems right to me, Though I’m not sure I can explain it.<\/p>\n
The looseness of this writing reflects a deep relaxation in how I’m going about my life. \u00a0My therapist comments that my parts have “a lot more breathing room.” \u00a0I think I have majorly let go of the need to get everything “right.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Monday, January 23 Lying in bed before I got up, I didn\u2019t feel like myself.\u00a0 When I got up, I asked myself \u201cWho knows I don\u2019t feel like myself?\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 and who is it who asks? … Continue reading