(Written in January 2005)
\nSpent most of my time with Karen crying \u2014 tried really letting go of everything: Neskaya, Bella, Eleanor \u2014 I see that I\u2019m always carrying responsibility in some way.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I worry consciously \u2014 the sad thing is that I don\u2019t actually do any good for these things that I care about, I drain my own energy to no purpose.\u00a0 I see that my inability to let go is based on two very deep beliefs: that they can\u2019t take care of themselves, and that there\u2019s no higher power, spirit, god, no being bigger than I am who cares for them.\u00a0 So if I let go, they will fall into outer darkness, chaos, the Void.\u00a0 No wonder I can\u2019t let go of something I care about.\u00a0 O yes and I guess I\u2019m also afraid that if I do the wrong thing, the beings that I love will be hurt or damaged somehow.\u00a0 I can see that these beliefs are \u201cwrong\u201d, that I learned them growing up in an alcoholic family, but my faith in a higher power is shaky, weak, and intermittent.\u00a0 I do at least have intellectual conviction \u2014 I didn\u2019t use to have even that \u2014 that I can hold on to: that the Universe is founded in Love, that we are all held in a huge Compassion, that all things DO work together for good in spite of the chaos and suffering we see around us.\u00a0 This I \u201cknow\u201d in some way \u2014 how do I know it?\u00a0 When I check with my body it\u2019s that sense of a \u201cfloor\u201d, of something under me that supports me, of my body as solid, weighty, and all-of-a-piece.<\/p>\n
Asking myself how I “know”something, and that sense of a “floor” are new skills that I learned from Somatic Experiencing.\u00a0 The “floor” especially, is a very new learning.\u00a0 Before Somatic Experiencing, when I fell apart, I felt like the pieces all scattered, I was afraid that they would just fall into the Void, into Outer Darkness.\u00a0 This is one of those things I wasn’t really aware of until it suddenly felt different: my image of “falling apart” now contains a “floor” that would catch the pieces.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in January 2005) Spent most of my time with Karen crying \u2014 tried really letting go of everything: Neskaya, Bella, Eleanor \u2014 I see that I\u2019m always carrying responsibility in some way.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I worry consciously \u2014 … Continue reading