I worked on this blog post on November 6, but didn’t publish it. \u00a0Reading it over, I think it expresses very well exactly where I was.<\/p>\n
From my journal for Monday, November 1<\/p>\n
Headache.\u00a0 <\/span>Feeling a little bleak. \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 peach colored clouds in a pale blue-green sky, my tree glowing red-orange. my soul is nourished by the color. now a wind shakes the branches and leaves fly \u2014<\/p>\n
I had a lot of things to read, but it was all difficult.\u00a0 <\/span>The Web of Meaning<\/a> was in the place where he talks about how well-entrenched the capitalist system is.\u00a0 <\/span>Etty<\/a> is examining herself for faults and trying to encourage better behavior, but I find it hard to get exactly what she\u2019s talking about.\u00a0 <\/span>And in April \u201993 I was having a bad time with headaches & nausea & lethargy & having trouble with organizing tasks.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it\u2019s both systemic yeast & menopause, but it\u2019s not fun.\u00a0 <\/span>I went to Kripalu<\/a> for a week of R&R, & had a bad headache the whole time.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m just beginning to see how mercilessly I push myself.<\/p>\n
So I had no comforting reading yesterday.\u00a0 <\/span>I do find my blog comforting.\u00a0 <\/span>Even it it\u2019s about a bad time, that reminds me of what I\u2019m up against, and also I seem to have got past a lot.\u00a0 <\/span>Or healed a lot.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t felt afraid in a very long time.\u00a0 <\/span>Most of my discouragement has to do with the damage to the earth, and some of it with no community of like-minded souls.\u00a0 <\/span>But I realize that I do trust that the world I love is held in compassion by a larger cosmos.\u00a0 <\/span>It is painful that I have no community who \u201cget\u201d what I offer, but I don\u2019t see that as being because I don\u2019t have anything worthwhile to offer.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s because Western culture is so badly off center.\u00a0 <\/span>I am wounded, yes, but so are most people, and unlike most of them, I have worked to heal my wound.\u00a0 <\/span>And I do believe that is a positive contribution to the human energy field.<\/p>\n
3rd cup. coffee.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>When I sat down to breakfast I realized I had started to read Enduring Lives<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>It was in the pile of books and I knew it would help.\u00a0 <\/span>In the introduction is the quote about the medieval world view<\/a>, that there is an invisible realm that interpenetrates the visible.\u00a0 <\/span>This morning I started reading what she has to say about Etty and she understood much better than I did what\u2019s going on with her.<\/p>\n
When I went out with Mocha it was incredibly beautiful outside.\u00a0 <\/span>Sunny, breezy, not too cold.\u00a0 <\/span>Wonderful colors, the oaks up by the road have gone their amazing brownish red.\u00a0 <\/span>I had an odd double feeling: almost joy in the colors & the breeze and sorrow in the knowing how fragile and fleeting it is.\u00a0 <\/span>Something that I felt when I knew Bella was dying<\/a>.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s really strange is that even this recent difficult time has not broken my connection to the wider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred cosmos.\u00a0 <\/span>I can still feel it there, under everything, like the floor that caught my pieces<\/a> after starting S.E., like the \u201cgoodness beyond goodness.<\/a>\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I thought that if I got to this stage I would be happy all the time, but there\u2019s still a slightly scary unfamiliarity.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it\u2019s because I\u2019m breaking all those old family rules \u2014 Thou shalt not think thyself so great, Thou shalt constantly push thyself to prove thee deserves to live, Thou shalt do everything right, etc.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I worked on this blog post on November 6, but didn’t publish it. \u00a0Reading it over, I think it expresses very well exactly where I was. From my journal for Monday, November 1 Headache.\u00a0 Feeling a little bleak. \u00a0 \u00a0 … Continue reading