One of my constant struggles is to find compassion for myself. \u00a0Most of the time I’m angry at myself and hating myself for being such a failure. \u00a0I’ve treated myself worse than any other human being.<\/p>\n
From my journal for August 9, 2021<\/p>\n
Trying to remember what else I did yesterday.\u00a0 <\/span>Several puzzles, lay down on the couch, don\u2019t think I slept, lunch with Carolyn and the Racusins.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel a chill in my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>Asking it, what I get is that I\u2019m wasting my time, I should be working on healing.\u00a0 <\/span>Doesn\u2019t doing puzzles with enjoyment count for anything?\u00a0 <\/span>What about lunch with folks, even though the conversation wasn\u2019t anything special?<\/p>\n
I think \u201cWhat should I be doing with my time?\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe talk to God?\u201d sending my attention upward, and then remembering that of god in me.\u00a0 <\/span>I think \u201cInner Teacher<\/a>\u201d and check my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>What I feel is amused affection.\u00a0 <\/span>Dear Jenny.\u00a0 <\/span>She works so hard, tries so hard to \u201cget it right.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Anita Moorjani says loving yourself is the most important thing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“That of God in me” is a Quaker teaching, something I’ve been working on for a long time.\u00a0Anita Moorjani<\/a> had a powerful near death experience, and has been teaching about her learnings.<\/p>\n
I become aware of Jenny, sitting in this room.\u00a0 <\/span>Plants inside and trees outside.\u00a0 <\/span>The incredible diversity of nature.\u00a0 <\/span>But there are also my painted wooden angels and the Ben Shahn \u2014 works of art made by humans \u2014 and my little dog next to me.\u00a0 <\/span>More amazing things created by the Universe.\u00a0 <\/span>The sun has moved on, out of my eye.\u00a0 <\/span>What an amazing person to have gathered all these things in her journey, things that she loves, that gladden her heart.\u00a0 <\/span>And it doesn\u2019t matter at all that the room is a mess.\u00a0 <\/span>Can I love Jenny, who has managed to create this beauty and meaning even while struggling with the pain and difficulty of her life?\u00a0 <\/span>Yes I can.<\/p>\n
Walking Mocha I began to feel really scared.\u00a0 <\/span>Trying to reassure the Little Ones, I realized that part of the problem is that I, Adult Jenny, is having trouble trusting that I am loved, that it doesn\u2019t matter if I don\u2019t get things right, that there is a bigger Universe that holds this small one in compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>I look at that terrified Jenny, walking her dog as best she can, and I feel a lot of compassion for her. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
Back from seeing Lisa Blackburn.\u00a0 <\/span>Feeling terrified.\u00a0 <\/span>I told my Little Ones that Lisa is entirely trustworthy and so is the Universe.\u00a0 <\/span>I choose to trust that the Universe is also an unconditionally loving presence.\u00a0 <\/span>I choose to trust that grace is available to me whether or not I \u201cdo things right.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I choose to trust that the wider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred cosmos is real, and holds our materialistic world view in a larger context.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Lisa Blackburn<\/a> is an excellent physical therapist whose office is nearby.<\/p>\n
I look around my room and am aware of how happy I am to be surrounded by these beloved objects, and how much I enjoy the color of the walls, and all that went into getting them that color, and I see how all of it is gift.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One of my constant struggles is to find compassion for myself. \u00a0Most of the time I’m angry at myself and hating myself for being such a failure. \u00a0I’ve treated myself worse than any other human being. From my journal for … Continue reading