from journal for Monday, August 2<\/p>\n
Yesterday was pretty miserable.<\/p>\n
I realize that in some ways the misery of the day matched the metaphor of being trapped in stone.\u00a0Trapped in a narrow point of view.\u00a0Unable to imagine anything bigger.\u00a0I started reciting the words \u201cwider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0At first they didn\u2019t mean anything, then gradually I began to sense that such a world was possible, tho not to move into it.<\/p>\n
Second cup of tea.\u00a0Watered plants.\u00a0Haven\u2019t felt really scared this morning. \u2014 an immediate chill in my heart \u2014 there, there, Scared One.\u00a0Can you communicate anything about yourself? I was made wrong so many times & I never understood why something was OK one day and not OK the next.\u00a0Dear One, it had nothing to do with you.\u00a0Your Mother was incapable of being pleased.\u00a0Remember when you picked up lotion for her<\/a> at the drugstore.\u00a0Did she thank you?\u00a0No, in a nasty voice she said \u201cThey weren\u2019t going to deliver it, were they.\u201d I, the older one, saw through that one and wasn\u2019t hurt, but you were hurt that way too many times, you were completely dependent on your Mom.\u00a0You were too young to be on your own, so you couldn\u2019t afford to see that she was inconsistent.\u00a0Also, because of the early trauma, you were more vulnerable to threats of being left alone, \u201csent back to Sears & Roebucks<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0I am the person you grew into, and I still struggle with trying to get it right, even though I stopped trying to please Mom a long time ago.\u00a0I also stopped trying to have a real relationship<\/a> with her, and she took credit for what she saw as an improvement.\u00a0I didn\u2019t know whether to laugh or cry.\u00a0Dear One, there is a Jenny of the future, an older one who has learned how to live as her true self.\u00a0We were in her all day Saturday which was a good day.\u00a0We can get back there again, but not by trying to \u201cget it right.\u201d<\/p>\n
A chill of fear. Scared One says \u201cI don\u2019t know how to stop trying to get it right!\u201d \u00a0O Dear One \u2014 I put my arms around her \u2014 you don\u2019t have to get it right to be loved.\u00a0It doesn\u2019t matter what you do, you are already forgiven. I feel such compassion for her, trying so hard to get it right.\u00a0And there are all those people who were at Neskaya yesterday, and they love you, just as you are.\u00a0It\u2019s OK to relax and stop trying. or not.\u00a0If you keep trying that\u2019s not the end of the world.\u00a0I realize that I\u2019m asking you to trust me, as I trust Higher Self, and I know that your experience is that there\u2019s no older and wiser being who is trustworthy.\u00a0That\u2019s just really hard<\/span>.\u00a0But even if you can\u2019t do it, I still love you, and I will stay with you no matter what.<\/p>\n
Remembering the trip with Ricky<\/a> and what a disappointment it was, and how the Universe kept sending new people when people I could talk to left the trip, and I failed to see it until long afterward.\u00a0O Dear Jenny, you were up against so much. Severe depression<\/a>, early trauma<\/a>, gaslighting<\/a>.\u00a0It\u2019s so amazing that you survived and got this far.\u00a0A tribute to your courage, your intelligence, and your persistence.<\/p>\n
Help arrives via email, friends responding to requests for visits, Rohr\u2019s daily meditation<\/a> on Job.\u00a0I think I\u2019m being asked to get in touch with my grief.<\/p>\n
3rd cup. water. Walking Mocha I was aware that the fear was frozen fear.\u00a0My legs were weak as in those dreams of trying to run from bombs.<\/p>\n
Teeth chattering.\u00a0 <\/span>They stop chattering when I write.\u00a0 <\/span>Feeling compassion and love for the Scared One.\u00a0 <\/span>Also understanding that it may take her awhile to be able to trust any Older Jenny.\u00a0 <\/span>At least I am able to \u201coffer myself to the process<\/a>\u201d again, with trust.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
from journal for Monday, August 2 Yesterday was pretty miserable. I realize that in some ways the misery of the day matched the metaphor of being trapped in stone.\u00a0Trapped in a narrow point of view.\u00a0Unable to imagine anything bigger.\u00a0I started … Continue reading